Archive | Funnies
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”
[Wait for it…]
This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”
Wow, I never knew… Educational, emotional, and funny at the same time.
Hold on tight…
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
- “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green ,Green Grass of Home’. The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” The man asks, “Is it common?” The doctor says, “Well, it’s Not Unusual.”
- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this BS before.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – you lost your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- Two peanuts walked into a seedy bar and unfortunately, one was a salted.
- Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!
That’s all folks!