Archive | Blonde Jokes
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”
She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is seeing another woman. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband sitting in the living room with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head, her finger shaking on the trigger of the gun. The husband jumps out of bed, runs to her, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
A blind cowboy walks into a bar and finds his way to a barstool where he sits and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A blonde comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and knocks gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the blonde tells him, “Please, sir, I will do anything for money. Is there something you would like for me to do for you?”
The owner says, “Well, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you twenty dollars.”
So the blonde goes around back and a while later she again knocks on the door. The owner says, “Finished already? Good. Come on in and I’ll get your twenty dollars for you”
The blonde says, “Thank you very much, sir. But there’s something that I think you should know. It’s not a Porsche you got back there. It’s a BMW.”
Judi has been working as a secretary at a new firm for a week when her boss tells her “I’ll tell you a little secret. I can read your mind!”
“Really?” says Judi.
“Yep,” replies the boss, as he looks her deep into her eyes. “For instance, I know you’ve had a date with a man called Bob last Tuesday.”
“WOW!” exclaims Judi, “Unbelievable! That’s true!”
“And,” continues the boss, “your mom’s birthday is April 22”.
“WOWEE!” says Judi, “I can’t believe it! You really CAN read my mind!”
“Well actually”, her boss says, “you’ve left your private diary in my room yesterday”.
“Fantastic!” says Judi, “you even know THAT!”
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices for a pair of shoes. “I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,” so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. “Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, ‘You stay out of this mister! I’m talking to that little twerp on your lap!’
One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park… ”
Then the electric power goes out. Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?”