Archive | Cowboys and Hicks

28 January 2014 ~ 0 Comments

You know you’re in the ghetto when…

You know you’re in the ghetto when…

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25 January 2014 ~ 0 Comments

We hate to tell you but that selfie isn’t going to work with that

We hate to tell you but that selfie isn’t going to work with that

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21 January 2014 ~ 0 Comments

Family kidnapped by ninjas, need money

Family kidnapped by ninjas, need money

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08 August 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Too early to get married

Bubba was a Tennessee hillbilly who lived way out in the sticks.  One day Bubba decided that he wanted to marry his sweetheart.  So, while enjoying a hearty meal of raccoon and biscuits for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

“Bubba, you can’t get married yet,” insisted Ma.  “You’re too young for that!”

“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I just had my 38th birthday last week.”

“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in, “but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”

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08 June 2011 ~ 0 Comments

I don’t want to have to do what I did in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a local saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on the strangers that visited their town. When the cowboy finished his drink, he waked outside and found his horse had been stolen. He stormed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling of the saloon.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

The locals shifted restlessly in their chairs. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

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26 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Redneck logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.   The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck.

The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” ”

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae!   This is incredible!”  The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right!  Why, that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard!   I can’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“Gay boy!”

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19 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Hillbilly Medical Dictionary

Hillbilly medical definitions:

Benign…………………What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria……………….Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………………What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section………..A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan………………..Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize………………Made eye contact with her.

Colic………………….A sheep dog.

Coma…………………..A punctuation mark.

D&C……………………Where Washington is.

Dilate…………………To live long.

Enema………………….Not a friend.

Fester…………………Quicker than someone else.

Fibula…………………A small lie.

G.I.Series……………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail……………….What you hang your coat on.

Impotent……………….Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain……………..Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff…………..A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid…………………A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates……………….Cheaper than day rates.

Node…………………..I knew it.

Outpatient……………..A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear………………A fatherhood test.

Pelvis…………………Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative………….A letter carrier.

Recovery Room…………..Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………………Damn near killed him.

Secretion………………Hiding something

Seizure………………..Roman emperor.

Tablet…………………A small table.

Terminal Illness………..Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor………………….More than one.

Urine………………….Opposite of mine.

Varicose……………….Near by/close by.

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11 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Where does you go to School?

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.  He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.  He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

“Yale,” she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

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11 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Redneck Stories

How do you know when you’re staying in an Alabama hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.  He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”  The driver says, “Bout what?”

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?  She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.  Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”  The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”  There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How `bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

A new law recently passed in Alabama:  When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.

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15 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Arkansas Watermelon Businessmen

Two Arkansas farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them.  Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price ($1) they’d paid for them.  After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they’d ended up with no more money than they’d started with.

“See!” said one. “I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck.”

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