Archive | Elderly
An old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast a possible. The man walks up to the boy and says “You know son, its really not healthy to eat all that candy.”
The kid looks up at him and says, “You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old.”
The man replies “Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?”
The kid looks at him and says “No, but he minded his own business.”
Bernie was eating dinner at a friend’s home when he noticed that Morris, the dinner host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie was impressed. He looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those sweet pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”
An elderly widow and widower had been dating for over five years. The oldman finally decided to ask her to marry him. Without hesitation, she immediately said “yes”.
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to his marriage proposal.
“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”
Two elderly ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, “I realize we’ve known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind… would you please tell me your name again, dear?”
There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, “How soon do you need to know?”
A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Victoria nursing home. “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy,”…another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light”.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! did you you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh God! Am I driving?”
An elderly couple went to the doctor complaining about their memory loss. The doctor explained it is normal, and suggested they try and write things down.
In the evening the husband said, “I’m going to get something to snack on. Do you want something?”
“I’ll take some ice cream please,” said the wife.
He started off and she said, “Better write that down.”
He said, “No need.”
She added, “Put some strawberries on top, and write this down.”
He said, “No need.”
Again she added, “I need some nuts on that too. Better write it down.”
He gave her a look. Much later he returned with bacon and eggs. “I told you to write it down, ” she said, “Where is my toast?”
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”