Archive | Q&A and One Liners
When I see a bruised banana at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, “Who did this to you?”
Phyllis Diller was an American actress and standup comedienne who made an artform out of wisecracking. She was prolific, self-deprecating and slyly radical: Her jokes tended to focus on her failings as a housewife, her lack of sex appeal, and the shortcomings of an imaginary husband (Fang) and overweight mother-in-law.
Here are a few of Phyllis Diller’s famouse funny lines and quotes.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… And reduce the crime rate.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where they’re settling?”
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, “If you love me, blink your eyes.”
You know you’re getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.
I was born at home on newspapers … I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I thought I knew everything but then I got to thinking…
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
- Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
They had to shoot my dog.
Was he mad?
Well, he wasn’t happy about it.
Waiter, how do you prepare your chickens?
Well, we don’t do much; just tell ’em they’re gonna die.
What’s brown and sticky?
What do you call a bass guitar player without a girlfriend?
Three men walked into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on you, it would kill you?
A pool table.
I ran over my dog’s tail with my mower. He looked bad, so I decided to sell him. I had to sell him wholesale, because I couldn’t retail him.
A woman stops another woman on the street.
“Say, you look like Helen Green.”
“Well, I don’t much like your outfit either.”
A termite jumps on the bar and yells, “Hey, where’s the bar tender?”
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
Dyslexic man walks into a bra…
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
There’s two fish in a tank, and one says “How do you drive this thing?”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I rang up my telephone company, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “No, not you again.”
A battery starter jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but you’d better not start anything.”
Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
A seal walks into a club…
Did you hear about…
Q: Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?
A: He’s 0K now.
Q: Did you hear about woman who couldn’t find a singing partner?
She ended up buying a duet-your-self kit.
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a truck load of prunes?
A: He’s been on the run for the last month.
Q: Did you hear about the pigeon who wanted to buy a famous London landmark?
A: He put a deposit on Big Ben.
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.
Q: Did you hear about the man from London who became very thirsty when he went to visit his relatives in Vancouver?
A: He drank Canada Dry.
Q: Did you hear about the stupid shoplifter?
A: He was found squashed under a shop.
Q: Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bankrupt last week?
A: They couldn’t make hens meet.
Q: Did you hear about the very intelligent monster?
A: He was called Frank Einstein.
Q: Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
A: The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.
Q: Did you hear about the young man who got really worried when his nose kept growing until it was eleven inches long?
A: He thought it might turn into a foot.
Q: Did you hear about the florist who had two children?
A: One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.
Q: Did you hear about the musical ghost?
A: He wrote haunting melodies.
Q: Did you hear about the woman who was so ugly she could make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk for an hour?
Q: Did you hear about the farmer’s boy who hated working in the country?
A: He went to London and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. So the farmer made hay while the son shone.
Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A: It was in tents!
Q: Did you hear about the dangerous fool who keeps going around saying “no” anytime someone asks them a question?
Oh no, it’s you!
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere.
Q: Did you hear about the rich Arab who bought a herd of cows?
A: He became a milk sheikh.
Q: Did you hear about the man who listened to the match?
A: He burnt his ear.
Q: Did you hear about the detective who became famous after solving crimes by pure chance?
A: He was called Sheer – Luck Holmes.
Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a million-hare.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He’s all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for their mother’s birthday?
A: They threw a sowprize party.
Q: Did you hear about the man went into a bank and asked to see the man who arranged loans?
A: ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ said a cashier, ‘the loan arranger is out to lunch at the moment.’
Q: ‘Well, can I speak to Tonto, then?’ asked the man.
Q: Did you hear about the horse that has made over twenty movies?
A: He’s not a star though, he just does bit parts.
Q: Did you hear about the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than his bite.
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
A: He was sentenced to 12 months in jail; they say his days are numbered.
Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
A: A strong current pulled him under.
Questions we ponder, such as…
Why would you put a baby, in a cradle, in a treetop?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say “fire at will”?
If the weather man says “there’s a 50% chance of rain tomorrow” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Who’s idea was it to make the word abbreviation so long?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things back down on the ground?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Is it a coincidence that when you put ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ together, it forms ‘THEIRS’.
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they call it “head over heels in love” if our head is always over our heels anyway?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes when he had the chance?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If it’s called lipstick then why does it always come off your lips?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do their partner swimmers all drown too?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
What do you call a male ladybug?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still always wrong?
Why is it called tourist season when it’s still illegal to shoot at them?
Why is that when you transport something by car it’s called shipment but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Shouldn’t they be called “compartments”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport “the terminal”?
Can atheists get insurance for “acts of God”?
Why is there not another word for synonym?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp?”
Why do they put “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss when it’s actually a “near hit”?
How do you respond to someone when they say you’re in denial, but you’re not?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a famous song written about him?
Why is it that you can tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you but if you tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it to make sure?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If you went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was would she refuse to tell you because it would defeat the purpose?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, “Everybody get down”, would all the people start dancing?
Is it alarming that doctors call what they do “practice?”
Don’t you find it weird we sing a song to our kids about: “scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub”?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Is extraordinary just more ordinary than usual?
Why do kamikaze pilots always wear helmets?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
How come you never read the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If they say laughter is the best medicine then why do we have the phrase, “I died laughing”?
Why do doctors leave the room when your getting dressed when they’ve already seen you naked?
When butterflies get upset or nervous, what do they get in their stomachs?
Where do they put price stickers on non-stick pans?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Life altering questions or questions we all have. Sorry, but the Funny Grins gurus have yet to come up with answers to these questions.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
A Few Moments Of Zen…..
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- No one is listening until you pass gas.
- Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Don’t squat with your spurs on.
- If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
- If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is too old it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt…then things get worse.
Here are signs and slogans that appear on a electrician’s commercial truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need innexperienced people.”
At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”