Archive | Women Jokes
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time this month and found the boss waiting for him at his desk.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?” the boss asked while dripping sarcasm. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockette dancers.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their alcohol consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?”
The gene laughed a replied, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete….How much steel!!!! You have to be realistic. No, think of another wish.”
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To know why they are crying. To know what they want when they say ‘nothing’….”
The gene replies “you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me doc, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “can you be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and then gave her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.