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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

New Year’s Day Prayer

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Dieting New Year Resolutions

A few years back I began writing down my wife’s New Year’s resolutions.  Here they are:

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny New Year’s Quotes

The following are real New Year’s quotes…

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. – Mark Twain

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. – Bill Vaughan

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. – P. J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Anonymous

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. – Anonymous

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny New Year’s Resolutions

It’s a new year, time to resolves what you will, or will not do next year.

  1. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  2. Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  3. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
  4. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
  5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
  7. I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
  8. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
  9. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
  10. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
  11. I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
  12. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  13. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
  14. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
  15. I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
  16. I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for christmas.
  17. I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  18. My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Department of Homeland Security Alert

Re: Department of Homeland Security Alert

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.  Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.  Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Signed:

Department of Homeland Security

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

A new American Holiday

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday.”

“Which one?” Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Bush Memo to Al Gore – Post 9/11

The following Bush memo to Al Gore was recently released in a Wikeleaks leaked document.  The memo was originally written in August of 2004.

To: Albert Gore

Re: Election Results

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Handy Phrases For Traveling in the Middle East

A few handy phrases translated to English — in case you’re ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

02 January 2011 ~ Comments Off on American Women…Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

American Women…Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

Signed,

William Jefferson Clinton

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Bin Laden’s Great Wall

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam, asks, “I’m very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out — virtually impenetrable.”

Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”

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