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14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Computer Programmer Quotes

  1. “There are only two industries that refer to their customers as “˜users’.” ““ Edward Tufte
  2. “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.” – Rick Cook
  3. “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” ““ Seymour Cray
  4. “Lisp isn’t a language, it’s a building material.” – Alan Kay.
  5. “Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.” – Edward V Berard
  6. “They don’t make bugs like Bunny anymore.” – Olav Mjelde.
  7. “A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.” – Alan J. Perlis.
  8. “A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.” – Waldi Ravens.
  9. “I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.” – Bjarne Stroustrup
  10. “Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter.” – Eric S. Raymond
  11. “Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” – Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
  12. “I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.” – Oktal
  13. “Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like.” – pixadel
  14. “Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline.” – Bill Clinton
  15. “The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.” – E.W. Dijkstra
  16. “There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.  We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” ““ Jeremy S. Anderson
  17. “Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.”- Blair Houghton
  18. “In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of ‘Spaghetti code’ is, of course, ‘Lasagna code’. (Too many layers).” – Roberto Waltman.
  19. “FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed “” it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.” – Alan J. Perlis.
  20. “For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.” – Bill Bryson
  21. “In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.” – Blair P. Houghton.
  22. “When someone says: ‘I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done’, give him a lollipop.” – Alan J. Perlis
  23. “The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.” – Ron Sercely
  24. “Good design adds value faster than it adds cost.” – Thomas C. Gale
  25. “Python’s a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck.” – Cory Dodt
  26. “Talk is cheap. Show me the code.” – Linus Torvalds
  27. “Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupry
  28. “C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.” – Dennis M. Ritchie.
  29. “In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not.” – Yoggi Berra
  30. “You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.” – Jim McCarthy
  31. “PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.” – Jon Ribbens
  32. “Programming is like kicking yourself in the face, sooner or later your nose will bleed.” – Kyle Woodbury
  33. “Perl ““ The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.” – Keith Bostic
  34. “It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.” – Larry Wall
  35. “I invented the term ‘Object-Oriented’, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.” – Alan Kay
  36. “Learning to program has no more to do with designing interactive software than learning to touch type has to do with writing poetry” – Ted Nelson
  37. “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
  38. “The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability.” – Randall E. Stross
  39. “If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, “˜We’re sorry, here’s a coupon for two more.’ ” – Mark Minasi
  40. “Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.” – Donald E. Knuth.
  41. “Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success.” – Tom DeMarco
  42. “I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!” – Vidiu Platon.
  43. “Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.” – Christopher Thompson
  44. “Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.” – Bill Gates
  45. “Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.” – Brian W. Kernighan.
  46. “People think that computer science is the art of geniuses but the actual reality is the opposite, just many people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of mini stones.” – Donald Knuth
  47. “First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.” – George Carrette
  48. “Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” – Larry Wall
  49. “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
  50. “Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more “˜user-friendly'”¦  Their best approach so far has been to take all the old brochures and stamp the words “˜user-friendly’ on the cover.” ““ Bill Gates
  51. “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” – Seymour Cray
  52. “To iterate is human, to recurse divine.” – L. Peter Deutsch
  53. “On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” – Charles Babbage
  54. “Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.” – Linus Torvalds
  55. “Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.” – Martin Golding
  56. “There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.” – C.A.R. Hoare
  57. They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.”Janet Reno
  58. “If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” – Robert X. Cringely
  59. “Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by “˜they’, I mean “˜computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)” – Dave Barry

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny billboards

From the “what were they thinking” department, we present a humorous collection of real billboards as a sign of how stupid (or intentionally funny) man can be…

Move to Wisconsin billboard

Beef with mashed potatoes billboard

Sign from God billboard

Angry message to husband billboard

Don’t read enough President Bush billboard

Graffiti on speeding billboard

Laxative and toilet paper billboard

Billboard Silberman's Fitness

Heavy man tips billboard

Survivors will be shot sign

Misspelled stop sign

Let the church kill you sign

Boss told me to change the sign so I did

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14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny label instructions on consumer goods

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

  1. On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
  2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
  4. Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  5. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
  6. On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
  7. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
  8. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
  9. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  10. On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  11. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning. Keep out of children.
  12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
  13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
  14. On Sainsbury’s Peanuts Warning: contains nuts.
  15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  16. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Real world advertisements

The following are real-world advertisements:

  1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  2. Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
  3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
  4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  7. Semiannual After-Christmas sale.
  8. 3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
  9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

A Case for the FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

75 Fun Things to Do at the Doctor’s/Dentist’s Office/Waiting Room

75 FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE DOCTOR’S/DENTIST’S
OFFICE/WAITING ROOM:

  1. Sit down right next to a complete stranger. Turn and smile. Turn back whenever they look. Then, after a few minutes, stick your nose into their armpit and start to sniff them.
  2. Go up to the receptionist with your lips wrapped around your teeth and loudly demand to know when the `movomaime’ is going to wear off.
  3. When Doctor says he’s going to prepare the anaesthetic, say “˜Don’t worry, I’ve already taken care of that.’
  4. Offer the doctor a beer.
  5. Go up to the receptionist. When s/he asks if you have an appointment, look wildly around and start whispering the word `appointment?’ under your breath. Then scream it, and jump out a window.
  6. After the dentist finishes drilling, say `Now my turn.’
  7. When the doctor hammers your knee for the reflex test, smack him/her upside the head with your hand. When he looks at you, shrug.
  8. Cut coupons out of magazines in waiting room.
  9. Take a bottle of grape juice in with you. When they ask for a urine test, go in the bathroom and fill up the jar with grape juice. Give it to them and act really offended when they balk at it.
  10. When prescribed pills, ask if they come with water.
  11. When doctor prepares to give shot, ask if you can have it in chewable form.
  12. Bring a dart board. When the doctor leaves, hang it up on the wall. When s/he brings out the needle, throw it into the board and shout `I win! I win!’
  13. Demand typhoid shot. Threaten malpractice suit if doctor refuses.
  14. Paint your tongue black. When the dentist asks why your tongue is black, look confused and say `Tongue?’
  15. When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, defiantly stare at him/her and then hold your breath until you pass out.
  16. Go through the entire check-up while firmly grasping a broadsword.
  17. Prior to examination, attach a fig leaf over your crotch. When the doctor asks you to remove it, shake your head and go `Nice try, Doc.’
  18. When the doctor asks what the problem is, pull out a dead rodent and  ask him/her to fix it. Yell `Murderer!’ until s/he does.
  19. When they ask you to put on the paper dress, ask for matching hat and shoes. Failing that, ask for at least an ironing board.
  20. When the doctor asks you to change into the paper dress, fold it into an origami hat. Then strip and put just the hat on.
  21. Carry a puppet in with you. Every time the doctor says something, say `I think I’ll need a second opinion.’ Consult with puppet. Have the puppet constantly disagree.
  22. When the doctor enters, slap him and say, `That one’s for Grover!’
  23. Walk into the doctor’s office staring into a flashlight. Complain of seeing dots. When the doctor tells you to stop staring into the flashlight, say `Oh right. Whatever.’
  24. Walk into office naked. Tell the nurse that this isn’t funny and ask if you can have your clothes back.
  25. Hum softly. Whenever the doctor comes near you, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Pretend not to notice.
  26. When doctor hands you prescription paper, give yourself a papercut and scream Malpractice.
  27. Complain that you’ve lost all your limbs. When the doctor says something contradictory, snarl and say `Don’t patronize me.’
  28. Ask for a second prescription for the kids.
  29. Ask to keep the hypo needle as a souvenir.
  30. When doctor enters, have velcro blood pressure thing wrapped around head. Close eyes and keep whispering `I am getting smarter. I am getting smarter.’
  31. After doctor checks ears, innocently ask `Can I see?’
  32. Mirror everything the doctor does. After a while start repeating everything he says too.
  33. When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, say you forgot how to. Die for added effect.
  34. Ask doctor about new wonder drug that you’ve read about. Say you’ve forgot the name. When he supplies you with guesses, say `Oh no, I remember, it was crack.’ Ask for prescription.
  35. Stomp into office waving organ donor’s card and yelling that they took your liver.
  36. Begin to play with toys in waiting room. Insist on bringing them with you.
  37. Become really offended at everything doctor says. After a while, start saying, `Whatever you say, Doctor Jerk!’
  38. Sit down next to someone in the waiting room and start petting their hair absentmindedly.
  39. Beforehand, divide your body in sections with a magic marker and number them. When you undress in office, tell the doctor that he can feel free to take anything between 13 and 17.
  40. When doctor asks you to open wide, say `My nostrils can’t get any bigger!’
  41. When doctor asks what is wrong, look around fearfully and whisper, `I can’t tell you. They will find out.’ Then clutch your head and pretend like you are getting electric shocks.
  42. When the dentist mentions gum disease, ask if he is referring to spearmint or wintergreen.
  43. Ask him what he really thinks, off the record, about the one dentist out of five who doesn’t like Crest.
  44. Storm into dentist’s office. When asked what’s wrong, hold up last visit’s toothbrush and claim that the bristles are alive.
  45. Pretend that Satan lives in the Mr. Thirsty water-suction device. When the dentist picks it up, shake head rapidly and say `I ain’t givin’ nuffin’ to no devil!’
  46. Walk into a random dentist’s office. Claim that you can’t find a bathroom and you need Mr. Thirsty now!
  47. When dentist positions Mr. Thirsty in mouth, deadpan `That sucks.’
  48. When dentist refers to Mr. Thirsty, say `Don’t you mean Mr. or Mrs.Thirsty?’
  49. Speak in tongues constantly.
  50. Walk into office with an open can of paint. Ask people if they are there for black plaque. If they say no, paint a stripe on their shirt and move on to the next person. If someone finally answers yes, scream`Liar!’ and dump the remainder of the paint on their head.
  51. Bring a whole bunch of rotting bird carcasses and dead flowers. Take down all the Christmas decorations and put your things up in their place. When asked why, respond huffily, `Some of us don’t celebrate Christmas.’
  52. Ask the person next to you in the waiting room what they have. Whatever they respond, ask them if they are going to die. If they say no, act really disappointed.
  53. Ask doctor if he is in fact `Dr. Feelgood’.
  54. When doctor enters room, quickly ask if you can use the restroom. Promise to return speedily. Wait at least an hour. When you finally return and doctor asks what took so long, act really angry and say “˜You’re the doctor, you tell me!’
  55. Make a voodoo doll that looks like the doctor. Every so often stab it with a needle, look at your watch, and grin diabolically and say `Half an hour, pal.’
  56. Bring a laptop computer. Before doctor starts exam, ask if he is Windows 95 compatible. If he says no, get up and leave.
  57. Start singing along with the easy listening music.
  58. Jokingly ask doctor if death is terminal and begin to laugh. When he starts to laugh, immediately stop laughing and glare at him. Say `You think that’s funny, do you?
  59. Show doctor pictures of your family. When he asks where they live, smile enigmatically and point to your knee. Later, after the knee-jerk reflex test, yell loudly `You okay, mom?’
  60. Ask what the odds of getting a particular disease. When s/he gives you the odds, ask what the point spread is.
  61. Ask the doctor if he can pierce your colon.
  62. Tell the doctor you have a broken leg. Then fake a stiff upper lip and say, `But if you have to shoot me, I understand.’
  63. Ask the doctor how your leg works. When s/he gives an answer, ask him to make sure he’s talking about the `77 model.
  64. When dentist offers list of flavors for tooth paste, ask if he has `squirrel’.
  65. After dentist is done scraping teeth, talk as if the scraper was still in your mouth.
  66. Bring a ziplock bag. Ask dentist if you can have some of the laughing gas.
  67. Ask the dentist/doctor if he has ever killed a man with his bare hands. When he replies no, pout and say `Some doctor you are.’
  68. When dentist picks up drill, scream, stand up, kick him in the face and run out of the building.
  69. When doctor asks what’s wrong, belch the phrase `I don’t know.’
  70. Ask dentist if it’s true that aspirin can burn through your gums. When dentist says yes, look nervous and say uh-oh.
  71. Ask doctor if `Those Pancreas Rumors’ are true. When he doesn’t know what you mean, stare at him and say `Don’t play dumb with me, Doc.’
  72. Run through the entire doctor’s office wearing a tutu and swinging a stethoscope. After you pummel each individual nurse or doctor, yell `Touchdown!’ Then jump out a window screaming `Viva La France!’. Then come back in a few minutes later, wearing a business suit, and ask `What the hell happened in here?’
  73. Walk in wearing glasses. Ask doctor if looking at dirty pictures can make you blind. When s/he says no, sigh in relief and take off the glasses. Then whenever s/he says something, look wildly around and say `Who said that?’

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

71 Things to do on an Exam You Know You’re Going to Fail

71 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM YOU KNOW THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve
got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I
have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry
Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15
min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she’s not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of
the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if
necessary.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve
been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And
who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know
one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

Next section submitted by Jeremy Willis

31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor’s left nostril.

34. Bring cheerleaders.

35. Bring pets.

36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.

38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.

41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this
drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious”¦ like history notes for a calculus exam”¦ otherwise
you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit.”

46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc”¦ sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.

52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to
use the phrase “Told you so”.

53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks”

54. Make Strange noises”¦ get people to stare”¦ look at the
person next to you as if he\she did it.

55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
that you once had. If you can’t think of anything, make something
up. Be creative. End the story with “I just thought I should tell
you.”

56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
that you’re someone else.

57. Play loud music.

58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
Do it casually, as if that’s what you are supposed to do after an
exam.

59. Dress like the professor.

60. Cross-Dress.

61. Borrow a friend’s Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.

62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.

63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
you’re supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
words “Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?”
It doesn’t matter if they are baked goods or not.

64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.

65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
a show of it.

67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.

68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules
of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
halfway through the test, and should include at least three
waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, “Okay,
let’s double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
Number three, E.”

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

7 Ways to Be Annoying on Christmas

7 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING ON CHRISTMAS

1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back
and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town,
Santa Claus is coming to town”¦”

2. Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it.
Collect coal and sharp objects in it.

3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly
complain about how you never get to join in on the
reindeer games.

4. Sing “All I want for Christmas is your two front
teeth”¦”

5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and
eat the best parts first.

6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a
little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a
picture of a snow man and this poem:

“˜You have been naughty, and here’s the scoop
All you get is the snowman’s poop!’

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

50 Ways to Confuse People in the Computer Lab

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of the People
in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned
it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it’s set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say “Just in case”¦” mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they’re crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I
forgot.”

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray
“Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it
finishes.

17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The
Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to
you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you
leave.

28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!”
and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.

35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking
it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard.
Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you
do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and
resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole
time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and
leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep
laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this
time,” and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get
a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn’t work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”,
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for
the next week”.

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

50 Fun Things to Do in Class

Okay, guys, we’ve been in school for a few weeks now, and in case you find
your classes to be dull, try a few of these things to liven up class a bit.

50 Fun Things to Do In Class
by Alan Meiss

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, “Quite right, old bean!”
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t
wear it out!”
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry.”
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been
drinking.
24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY
EYES!”
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream “IMPOSTER!”
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″³
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
“stud”.
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”
45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.

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