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10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Guy

82 Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Guy

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don’t care whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
  12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
  13. A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  14. Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ’em into the boards).
  15. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  16. You understand why Stripes is funny.
  17. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  18. Your last name stays put.
  19. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
  20. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  21. You can kill your own food.
  22. The garage is all yours.
  23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  24. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  25. You never have to clean a toilet.
  26. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. YUP!!!!
  27. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  28. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  29. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  30. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
  31. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  32. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
  33. If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  34. You can write your name in the snow.
  35. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
  36. Chocolate is just another snack.
  37. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
  38. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
  39. Flowers fix everything.
  40. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
  41. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  42. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  43. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
  44. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  45. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.
  46. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  47. You don’t care if anyone notices your new haircut.
  48. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
  49. The world is your urinal.
  50. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to leave you.
  51. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  52. One mood, all the time
  53. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  54. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
  55. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  56. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
  57. Same work…more pay!
  58. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  59. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
  60. You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
  61. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
  62. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
  63. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
  64. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  65. ESPN’s SportsCenter.
  66. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  67. Bachelor parties beat bridal showers every time.
  68. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  69. You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
  70. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends you’ve changed.
  71. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
  72. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw it.”
  73. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
  74. Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
  75. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  76. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  77. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
  78. New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
  79. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
  80. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different?”
  81. Baywatch
  82. There’s always a game on somewhere.
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10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 35 Ways to Know you’ve had too Much Coffee

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  3. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  6. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
  7. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  9. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. All your kids are named “Joe.”
  12. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  14. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  15. People get dizzy just watching you.
  16. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
  17. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  19. You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
  20. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  21. Instant coffee takes too long.
  22. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  25. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  26. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  30. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  31. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  32. You don’t tan, you roast.
  33. You can’t even remember your second cup.
  34. You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
  35. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 15 Signs your Cat may be trying to Kill You

Top 15 Signs your Cat may be trying to Kill You

  1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
  2. He actually *does* have your tongue.
  3. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.
  4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
  5. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.
  6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
  7. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”
  8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”
  9. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.
  10. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
  11. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
  12. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
  13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.
  14. You find a piece of paper labelled “MY WIL” which says “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”
  15. Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.
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10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 10 Things you don’t want to Hear when Closing on a House

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home…

1. “I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home’s garden.”

2. “Actually, it’s only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground.”

3. “Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell’s Angels, but I’m told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it.”

4. “One bleeding toilet doesn’t necessarily mean it’s haunted.”

5. “Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they’re not ‘killer’ bees.”

6. “Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it’s unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property.”

7. “It’s quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity.”

8. “Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?”

9. “It’s true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder.”

10. “You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night.”

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10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 10 Reasons to go to work without wearing clothes

Top Ten reasons to go to work without any clothes…

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. No one steals your chair.

10. Eliminate the fear of getting your tie caught in the elevator doors.  Oh wait…

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09 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Knock knock jokes – names that being with letter B

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bacon!
Bacon who?
Bacon a cake for your birthday but I won’t get it done if you keep knocking on my door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bean!
Bean who?
Bean fishing lately?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Benin!
Benin who?
Benin shopping lately?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bertha!
Bertha who?
Bertha-day greetings!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty ya don’t know who this is!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bolivia!
Boliva who?
Boliva me, I know what I’m talking about!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don’t cry it’s only a knock knock joke!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Brad!
Brad who?
Brad news I’m afraid!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Butch!
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and I’ll tell you another knock knock joke!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Butcher!
Butcher who?
Butcher money where your mouth is!

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09 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Knock knock jokes – Names with Letter A

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I’m bald now!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don’t!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we’ll play gofish!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the head and boy, did it hurt!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question since I don’t know!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alba!
Alba!
Alba in the kitchen if you need me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Albee!
Albee!
Albee a monkey’s uncle!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Albert!
Albert who!
Albert you don’t know who this is!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aldo!
Aldo who?
Aldo anywhere with you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec-tricity. Isn’t that a shock!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alli!
Alli who?
Alligator, that’s who!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Allied!
Allied who?
Allied, so sue me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alma!
Alma who?
Alma not going to tell you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Althea!
Althea who?
Althea later, alligator!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alvin!
Alvin who!
Alvin a great time, how about you?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amahl!
Amahl who?
Amahl shook up!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amana!
Amana who?
Amana bad mood so quit knocking in my door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid so how am I supposed to answer the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amory!
Amory who?
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amsterdam!
Amsterdam who?
Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amos!
Amos who?
Amosquito just bit me!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Andy!
Andy who?
Andy mosquito bit me again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid I’ve forgotten already!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Andrew!
Andrew who?
Andrew a picture for you if you want!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita you like I need a hole in the head!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Anka!
Anka who?
Anka the ship or we’re going to float away!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ankansas!
Ankansas who?
Ankansas though any piece of wood with my teeth!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two…!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you so quit knocking on my door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Annetta!
Annetta who?
Annetta drink of water cause I’m thirsty!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Annie!
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Apple!
Apple who?
Apple your hair if you don’t let me in!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Arbus!
Arbus who?
Arbus leaves in 5 minutes so hurry up!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Arch!
Arch who?
Bless you. Are you catching a cold?

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aries!
Aries who?
Aries a reason why you are knocking on my door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Armageddon!
Armageddon who?
Armageddon getting out of here!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Armenia!
Armenia who?
Armenia every word I say!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Arthur!
Arthur who!
Arthur any more knock knock jokes!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I’m sorry I didn’t know you had a cold!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer – run for your life!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atlas!
Atlas?
Atlas I don’t know any more knock knock jokes!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atomic!
Atomic who?
Atomic ache!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Austin!
Austin who?
Austin corrected!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Axl!
Axl who?
Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!

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08 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 10 Things to Say About a Christmas Gift you don’t Like

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you do not like:

10. Hey! Now there’s a gift!

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don’t deserve this.

08 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq

Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq:

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed’s Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it’s Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

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08 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 10 Ways to Know you have PMS

Top 10 ways to know you have PMS:

10. Everyone around you has an attitude  problem.

9. You’re adding chocolate  chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You’re using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-WHO-CARE.”

5. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

3. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

2. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1.  The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

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