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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

George W. Bush vs. the Taliban

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process.  When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund’s chair.  They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button.  A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.  Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs.  A few minutes later the second button is pressed.  This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.  Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.  But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he’s finally had enough.

“I’m headin’ back home!” he calmly tells the Afghan.  “We’ll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks.  As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush’s chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan’s retaliation.  They begin talking and George presses the first button.  Akhund ducks, but nothing happens.  George snickers but they continue talking.  A few minutes later he presses the second button.  Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens.  Bush roars with laughter.  They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Akhund. “I’m going back to Afghanistan!”

George W. says, through tears of laughter, “What Afghanistan?”

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top Anagrams for Osama Bin Laden

Top Anagrams for Osama Bin Laden

21. Sane Oilman Bad

20. I bona leadsman

19. Nasal Nomad Be I

18. Be a Slain Nomad

17. A bend lama son

16. Albania’s Demon

15. A lesbian nomad

14. Alias “Boned Man”

13. So I anal bad men

12. And I blame a son

11. No Asian bedlam

10. I.D.: Mean Anal S.O.B.

9. I, a sad nobleman

8. A slain abdomen

7. I’m so banal, Edna

6. I model bananas

5. A mob, insane lad

4. Is a lone, bad man

3. Do a samba, Lenin

2. I’m Dole bananas

1. Abandon E-mails

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Osama’s Inter-Cave Memo

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM

To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no I in team” as well as the one that says “Hang In There, Baby.”  That cat is hilarious.  However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave.  And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave.  Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.  I’ve posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay?  That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background.  Just while we’re taping.  Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one.  As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards.  But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime.  We’re all in this together.

Fourth: food.  I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf.  Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.  Consideration.  That’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.  I want to set up patrols to look for them.  First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,

Osama

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Quick Terrorism Q&A

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a plane!”

“It’s…. Uh Oh, it IS a plane!”

 

Q: What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?

A: When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.

 

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

 

Q: What is the Taliban’s national bird?

A: Duck

 

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

 

Q: What’s the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

How much for a brain?

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”

The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Anyone seen my watch?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic.  All you care about is your possessions.  I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Meet our Demands or Else

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.  More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Cold Cream Beauty

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful”, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

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01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

If you’re Stupid, Stand Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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