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14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

10 Ways to Tell Santa is a Computer Nerd

10.He’s got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls “elves”.
8. He’s got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
7. He loves getting mail.
6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn’t exist.
5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
red suit doesn’t hold a pocket protector.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

10 Commandments of a Teenagers

10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)

2)thou shall not do drugz (you can break this one, it not that important)

3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (walmart has a bigger selection)

4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)

5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)

6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)

7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)

8)thou shall not run naked through the school. (hooters pays more)

9)thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in  the middle)

 

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Women: How You Can Get 5,625 Men

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and frustrated women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends, who are equally tired and frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember – this chain brings luck. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny (but true) medical quotes

Funny Medical Quotes

The things that medical staff write in reports.  The following are true excerpts  from the medical reports of a UK hospital.

  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.
  • Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Animal Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Many preschoolers got several correct answers. Most adult got them all wrong. Send this out to frustrate all of your friends

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Submit your funny pictures

CatStickUpGo to the Funny Grins Forums and submit your funny pictures (with captions if you’d like) and we’ll let this poor little kitty go.

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

The history of comedy

MonkeyLaughHow long has comedy been around?  Check out the history of comedy in this “serious” article about how comedy shaped the world as we know it.

Comedy is one of the original four genres of literature defined by the philosopher Aristotle in the work Poetics.  Literature in general is defined by Aristotle as a mimesis, or imitation of life.  Comedy is the third form of literature, being the most divorced from a true mimesis.   The genre of comedy is defined by a certain pattern according to Aristotle’s definition.  All comedies begin with a low, typically with an “ugly” guy who cannot do anything right.  By the end of the story or play, the “ugly” guy has won the “pretty” girl, or achieved some other goal.  Comedies usually also have elements of the supernatural, typically magic and, for the Ancient Greeks, the gods.  Comedy includes the unrealistic in order to portray the realistic.  For the Greeks, all comedies ended happily which is opposite of tragedy, which ends sadly.

Aristophanes, a dramatist of the Ancient Greek Theater wrote 40 comedies, 11 of which survive and are still being performed.  In ancient Greece, comedy seems to have originated in bawdy and ribald songs or recitations apropos of fertility festivals or gatherings, or also in making fun at other people or stereotypes.  Aristotle, in his Poetics, states that comedy originated in Phallic songs and the light treatment of the otherwise base and ugly.  He also adds that the origins of comedy are obscure because it was not treated seriously from its inception.  That said, comedy had its own Muse: Thalia.

In ancient Sanskrit drama, Bharata Muni’s Natya Shastra defined humour (hāsyam) as one of the nine nava rasas, or principle rasas (emotional responses), which can be inspired in the audience by bhavas, the imitations of emotions that the actors perform. Each rasa was associated with a specific bhavas portrayed on stage. In the case of humor, it was associated with mirth (hasya).

Comedy took on a different view with the advent of the Christian era. The comic genre was divided by Dante in his work The Divine Comedy, made up of the epic poems Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. Dante’s division of comedy into three sub genres still exist today in various forms.  Inferno represents the darkest of all comedies, or what is known as dark or black comedy. In such comedy, one is forced to laugh or enjoy dark or black topics that one shouldn’t enjoy or laugh at. Generally, most who read the whole Divine Comedy find the Inferno to be the most enjoyable of the three. At the end of the dark comedy, one is still left with a sense of hope but one has not necessarily achieved what one has looked for. Purgatorio is made up of what most comedies today possess.

Purgatorio is light hearted, at least compared to Inferno, and yet one still does not achieve fully what one looks for. As such, Purgatorio leaves the main character with a sense of hope greater than what was felt at the end of Inferno. Paradiso is the most traditional of the three in way of the Greek standard of comedy. The supernatural play a huge role in all three poems, but Paradiso ends the happiest of all three with the main character achieving his goal. Infernal, Purgatorial and Paradisal comedies are the three main genres in which one can place all other comic forms.

The phenomena connected with laughter and that which provokes it have been carefully investigated by psychologists. They agreed the predominant characteristics are incongruity or contrast in the object and shock or emotional seizure on the part of the subject. It has also been held that the feeling of superiority is an essential factor: thus Thomas Hobbes speaks of laughter as a “sudden glory”. Modern investigators have paid much attention to the origin both of laughter and of smiling, as well as the development of the “play instinct” and its emotional expression.

George Meredith, in his 1897 classic Essay on Comedy, said that “One excellent test of the civilization of a country … I take to be the flourishing of the Comic idea and Comedy; and the test of true Comedy is that it shall awaken thoughtful laughter.” Laughter is said to be the cure to being sick. Studies show that people who laugh more often get sick less.

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Submit your jokes–and make someone laugh!

israel-125year-old-man-laughingMake us laugh – visit the Funny Grins Forums page and submit your jokes.  We’ll edit (as needed) and add to the jokes page and give you credit!

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
Tags:

13 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Friday Thoughts

Walking can add minutes to your life.. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them

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If you don’t forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really…. It’s true

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