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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Quick Terrorism Q&A

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a plane!”

“It’s…. Uh Oh, it IS a plane!”

 

Q: What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?

A: When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.

 

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

 

Q: What is the Taliban’s national bird?

A: Duck

 

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

 

Q: What’s the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

How much for a brain?

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”

The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Anyone seen my watch?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic.  All you care about is your possessions.  I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

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02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Meet our Demands or Else

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.  More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

02 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Cold Cream Beauty

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful”, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

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01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

If you’re Stupid, Stand Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

The Rude Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, ‘You stay out of this mister!  I’m talking to that little twerp on your lap!’

01 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

The Husband Store for Impossible Women

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”  So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Hello? Can I have the Moon?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: “Hello?”

Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It’s only $1,000.  Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?”

Man: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.

I want you to be happy.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models.  I saw one that I really liked.  It’s a beautiful silver.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$60,000”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman:”Great! Oh, and just one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $950,000.”

Man: “Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000.”

Woman: “Okay. Thank you darling — you’re wonderful!  I’ll see you later!  I love you!”

Man: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.   Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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