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31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Mind if I talk to your sheep?

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills .

Cowboy: “Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Really good.  Thanks.”

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: ” How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good.  He rides me , brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep lie.”

31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Disguised blonde counting sheep

A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.  She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.  She said to the farmer, “If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?”

“Ok,” said the farmer.   So she quickly counted them and said 91.

The farmer looked around astonished and said, “Alright take one.”

As she was walking back to her car the farmer said, “If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?”

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31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Old man Murphy dies at the Brewery

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.  The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.  When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”

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31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Honey, what’s for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

“That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”  Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”  No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”

31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Can I get a push?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.  “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”  He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunken guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

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31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

The Bus Driver

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.  The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, “What the heck is going on up here?  We’re having a grand time downstairs!”  One of the blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Computer in Spanish

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are not genderless but are designated as either masculine or feminine.  House for instance, is feminine: la casa and Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.

A student then asked, What gender would a computer be?  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into a male and female group, and asked each group to decide for themselves as to whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.   Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because: A. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;  B. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;  C. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and finally D. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should definitely be masculine, ‘el computador, because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;   3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

31 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Real world court exchanges

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: What do you think?

____________________________________________

10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

______________________________________

19. ATTORNEY:  Have you lived in this town all your life?

WITNESS: Not yet.

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30 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Difference between lawyer and trampoline

What’s the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

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30 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Blonde Questions and Answers

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

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