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19 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Facebook Comments

Why is Wal-Mart never open?

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All those wires are so confusing!

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Drama in Farmville

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M&M Gladiators

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When my kid turns 16, here’s how I’m going to convince him he’s a time traveler…

I'm gonna convince my kid he's a time traveller

I'm gonna convince my kid he's a time traveller

 

My sympathy

 

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19 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Facebook post – No, that thing in the water

12-19-2010 12-55-03 PM

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18 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny pictures

Cat stickup
Laughing cat
Heavy load
Hot dog
We can rebuild him better than he was
The cat's position in the bag gives us this odd image

The cat’s position in the bag gives us this odd image

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17 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

More funny billboards and signs

From the “what were they thinking” department, we present a humorous collection of real billboards as a sign of how stupid (or intentionally funny) man can be…

Click picture for full-size view.

 

Nice to know…

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Appropriate ad placement…

Three Accused

 

 

 

 

False advertising indeed…

Free Beer and False Advertising

 

 

The power of prayer.

Stop Praying For Snow

 

 

Sequence of billboards on a well-travelled route.

The sooner you advertise here, the better

 

 

Resistance if futile.

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14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Computer Programmer Quotes

  1. “There are only two industries that refer to their customers as “˜users’.” ““ Edward Tufte
  2. “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.” – Rick Cook
  3. “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” ““ Seymour Cray
  4. “Lisp isn’t a language, it’s a building material.” – Alan Kay.
  5. “Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.” – Edward V Berard
  6. “They don’t make bugs like Bunny anymore.” – Olav Mjelde.
  7. “A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.” – Alan J. Perlis.
  8. “A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.” – Waldi Ravens.
  9. “I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.” – Bjarne Stroustrup
  10. “Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter.” – Eric S. Raymond
  11. “Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” – Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
  12. “I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.” – Oktal
  13. “Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like.” – pixadel
  14. “Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline.” – Bill Clinton
  15. “The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.” – E.W. Dijkstra
  16. “There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.  We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” ““ Jeremy S. Anderson
  17. “Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.”- Blair Houghton
  18. “In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of ‘Spaghetti code’ is, of course, ‘Lasagna code’. (Too many layers).” – Roberto Waltman.
  19. “FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed “” it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.” – Alan J. Perlis.
  20. “For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.” – Bill Bryson
  21. “In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.” – Blair P. Houghton.
  22. “When someone says: ‘I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done’, give him a lollipop.” – Alan J. Perlis
  23. “The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.” – Ron Sercely
  24. “Good design adds value faster than it adds cost.” – Thomas C. Gale
  25. “Python’s a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck.” – Cory Dodt
  26. “Talk is cheap. Show me the code.” – Linus Torvalds
  27. “Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupry
  28. “C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.” – Dennis M. Ritchie.
  29. “In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not.” – Yoggi Berra
  30. “You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.” – Jim McCarthy
  31. “PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.” – Jon Ribbens
  32. “Programming is like kicking yourself in the face, sooner or later your nose will bleed.” – Kyle Woodbury
  33. “Perl ““ The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.” – Keith Bostic
  34. “It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.” – Larry Wall
  35. “I invented the term ‘Object-Oriented’, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.” – Alan Kay
  36. “Learning to program has no more to do with designing interactive software than learning to touch type has to do with writing poetry” – Ted Nelson
  37. “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
  38. “The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability.” – Randall E. Stross
  39. “If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, “˜We’re sorry, here’s a coupon for two more.’ ” – Mark Minasi
  40. “Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.” – Donald E. Knuth.
  41. “Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success.” – Tom DeMarco
  42. “I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!” – Vidiu Platon.
  43. “Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.” – Christopher Thompson
  44. “Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.” – Bill Gates
  45. “Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.” – Brian W. Kernighan.
  46. “People think that computer science is the art of geniuses but the actual reality is the opposite, just many people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of mini stones.” – Donald Knuth
  47. “First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.” – George Carrette
  48. “Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” – Larry Wall
  49. “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
  50. “Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more “˜user-friendly'”¦  Their best approach so far has been to take all the old brochures and stamp the words “˜user-friendly’ on the cover.” ““ Bill Gates
  51. “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” – Seymour Cray
  52. “To iterate is human, to recurse divine.” – L. Peter Deutsch
  53. “On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” – Charles Babbage
  54. “Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.” – Linus Torvalds
  55. “Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.” – Martin Golding
  56. “There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.” – C.A.R. Hoare
  57. They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.”Janet Reno
  58. “If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” – Robert X. Cringely
  59. “Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by “˜they’, I mean “˜computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)” – Dave Barry

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny billboards

From the “what were they thinking” department, we present a humorous collection of real billboards as a sign of how stupid (or intentionally funny) man can be…

Move to Wisconsin billboard

Beef with mashed potatoes billboard

Sign from God billboard

Angry message to husband billboard

Don’t read enough President Bush billboard

Graffiti on speeding billboard

Laxative and toilet paper billboard

Billboard Silberman's Fitness

Heavy man tips billboard

Survivors will be shot sign

Misspelled stop sign

Let the church kill you sign

Boss told me to change the sign so I did

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14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Funny label instructions on consumer goods

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

  1. On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
  2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
  4. Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  5. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
  6. On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
  7. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
  8. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
  9. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  10. On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  11. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning. Keep out of children.
  12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
  13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
  14. On Sainsbury’s Peanuts Warning: contains nuts.
  15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  16. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Real world advertisements

The following are real-world advertisements:

  1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  2. Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
  3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
  4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  7. Semiannual After-Christmas sale.
  8. 3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
  9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

A Case for the FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

14 December 2010 ~ 0 Comments

75 Fun Things to Do at the Doctor’s/Dentist’s Office/Waiting Room

75 FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE DOCTOR’S/DENTIST’S
OFFICE/WAITING ROOM:

  1. Sit down right next to a complete stranger. Turn and smile. Turn back whenever they look. Then, after a few minutes, stick your nose into their armpit and start to sniff them.
  2. Go up to the receptionist with your lips wrapped around your teeth and loudly demand to know when the `movomaime’ is going to wear off.
  3. When Doctor says he’s going to prepare the anaesthetic, say “˜Don’t worry, I’ve already taken care of that.’
  4. Offer the doctor a beer.
  5. Go up to the receptionist. When s/he asks if you have an appointment, look wildly around and start whispering the word `appointment?’ under your breath. Then scream it, and jump out a window.
  6. After the dentist finishes drilling, say `Now my turn.’
  7. When the doctor hammers your knee for the reflex test, smack him/her upside the head with your hand. When he looks at you, shrug.
  8. Cut coupons out of magazines in waiting room.
  9. Take a bottle of grape juice in with you. When they ask for a urine test, go in the bathroom and fill up the jar with grape juice. Give it to them and act really offended when they balk at it.
  10. When prescribed pills, ask if they come with water.
  11. When doctor prepares to give shot, ask if you can have it in chewable form.
  12. Bring a dart board. When the doctor leaves, hang it up on the wall. When s/he brings out the needle, throw it into the board and shout `I win! I win!’
  13. Demand typhoid shot. Threaten malpractice suit if doctor refuses.
  14. Paint your tongue black. When the dentist asks why your tongue is black, look confused and say `Tongue?’
  15. When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, defiantly stare at him/her and then hold your breath until you pass out.
  16. Go through the entire check-up while firmly grasping a broadsword.
  17. Prior to examination, attach a fig leaf over your crotch. When the doctor asks you to remove it, shake your head and go `Nice try, Doc.’
  18. When the doctor asks what the problem is, pull out a dead rodent and  ask him/her to fix it. Yell `Murderer!’ until s/he does.
  19. When they ask you to put on the paper dress, ask for matching hat and shoes. Failing that, ask for at least an ironing board.
  20. When the doctor asks you to change into the paper dress, fold it into an origami hat. Then strip and put just the hat on.
  21. Carry a puppet in with you. Every time the doctor says something, say `I think I’ll need a second opinion.’ Consult with puppet. Have the puppet constantly disagree.
  22. When the doctor enters, slap him and say, `That one’s for Grover!’
  23. Walk into the doctor’s office staring into a flashlight. Complain of seeing dots. When the doctor tells you to stop staring into the flashlight, say `Oh right. Whatever.’
  24. Walk into office naked. Tell the nurse that this isn’t funny and ask if you can have your clothes back.
  25. Hum softly. Whenever the doctor comes near you, start screaming at the top of your lungs. Pretend not to notice.
  26. When doctor hands you prescription paper, give yourself a papercut and scream Malpractice.
  27. Complain that you’ve lost all your limbs. When the doctor says something contradictory, snarl and say `Don’t patronize me.’
  28. Ask for a second prescription for the kids.
  29. Ask to keep the hypo needle as a souvenir.
  30. When doctor enters, have velcro blood pressure thing wrapped around head. Close eyes and keep whispering `I am getting smarter. I am getting smarter.’
  31. After doctor checks ears, innocently ask `Can I see?’
  32. Mirror everything the doctor does. After a while start repeating everything he says too.
  33. When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, say you forgot how to. Die for added effect.
  34. Ask doctor about new wonder drug that you’ve read about. Say you’ve forgot the name. When he supplies you with guesses, say `Oh no, I remember, it was crack.’ Ask for prescription.
  35. Stomp into office waving organ donor’s card and yelling that they took your liver.
  36. Begin to play with toys in waiting room. Insist on bringing them with you.
  37. Become really offended at everything doctor says. After a while, start saying, `Whatever you say, Doctor Jerk!’
  38. Sit down next to someone in the waiting room and start petting their hair absentmindedly.
  39. Beforehand, divide your body in sections with a magic marker and number them. When you undress in office, tell the doctor that he can feel free to take anything between 13 and 17.
  40. When doctor asks you to open wide, say `My nostrils can’t get any bigger!’
  41. When doctor asks what is wrong, look around fearfully and whisper, `I can’t tell you. They will find out.’ Then clutch your head and pretend like you are getting electric shocks.
  42. When the dentist mentions gum disease, ask if he is referring to spearmint or wintergreen.
  43. Ask him what he really thinks, off the record, about the one dentist out of five who doesn’t like Crest.
  44. Storm into dentist’s office. When asked what’s wrong, hold up last visit’s toothbrush and claim that the bristles are alive.
  45. Pretend that Satan lives in the Mr. Thirsty water-suction device. When the dentist picks it up, shake head rapidly and say `I ain’t givin’ nuffin’ to no devil!’
  46. Walk into a random dentist’s office. Claim that you can’t find a bathroom and you need Mr. Thirsty now!
  47. When dentist positions Mr. Thirsty in mouth, deadpan `That sucks.’
  48. When dentist refers to Mr. Thirsty, say `Don’t you mean Mr. or Mrs.Thirsty?’
  49. Speak in tongues constantly.
  50. Walk into office with an open can of paint. Ask people if they are there for black plaque. If they say no, paint a stripe on their shirt and move on to the next person. If someone finally answers yes, scream`Liar!’ and dump the remainder of the paint on their head.
  51. Bring a whole bunch of rotting bird carcasses and dead flowers. Take down all the Christmas decorations and put your things up in their place. When asked why, respond huffily, `Some of us don’t celebrate Christmas.’
  52. Ask the person next to you in the waiting room what they have. Whatever they respond, ask them if they are going to die. If they say no, act really disappointed.
  53. Ask doctor if he is in fact `Dr. Feelgood’.
  54. When doctor enters room, quickly ask if you can use the restroom. Promise to return speedily. Wait at least an hour. When you finally return and doctor asks what took so long, act really angry and say “˜You’re the doctor, you tell me!’
  55. Make a voodoo doll that looks like the doctor. Every so often stab it with a needle, look at your watch, and grin diabolically and say `Half an hour, pal.’
  56. Bring a laptop computer. Before doctor starts exam, ask if he is Windows 95 compatible. If he says no, get up and leave.
  57. Start singing along with the easy listening music.
  58. Jokingly ask doctor if death is terminal and begin to laugh. When he starts to laugh, immediately stop laughing and glare at him. Say `You think that’s funny, do you?
  59. Show doctor pictures of your family. When he asks where they live, smile enigmatically and point to your knee. Later, after the knee-jerk reflex test, yell loudly `You okay, mom?’
  60. Ask what the odds of getting a particular disease. When s/he gives you the odds, ask what the point spread is.
  61. Ask the doctor if he can pierce your colon.
  62. Tell the doctor you have a broken leg. Then fake a stiff upper lip and say, `But if you have to shoot me, I understand.’
  63. Ask the doctor how your leg works. When s/he gives an answer, ask him to make sure he’s talking about the `77 model.
  64. When dentist offers list of flavors for tooth paste, ask if he has `squirrel’.
  65. After dentist is done scraping teeth, talk as if the scraper was still in your mouth.
  66. Bring a ziplock bag. Ask dentist if you can have some of the laughing gas.
  67. Ask the dentist/doctor if he has ever killed a man with his bare hands. When he replies no, pout and say `Some doctor you are.’
  68. When dentist picks up drill, scream, stand up, kick him in the face and run out of the building.
  69. When doctor asks what’s wrong, belch the phrase `I don’t know.’
  70. Ask dentist if it’s true that aspirin can burn through your gums. When dentist says yes, look nervous and say uh-oh.
  71. Ask doctor if `Those Pancreas Rumors’ are true. When he doesn’t know what you mean, stare at him and say `Don’t play dumb with me, Doc.’
  72. Run through the entire doctor’s office wearing a tutu and swinging a stethoscope. After you pummel each individual nurse or doctor, yell `Touchdown!’ Then jump out a window screaming `Viva La France!’. Then come back in a few minutes later, wearing a business suit, and ask `What the hell happened in here?’
  73. Walk in wearing glasses. Ask doctor if looking at dirty pictures can make you blind. When s/he says no, sigh in relief and take off the glasses. Then whenever s/he says something, look wildly around and say `Who said that?’
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