A man is harried, frantic, and nervous. He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.
Jokes Tagged ‘alcohol’
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Murphy replied, “When Im worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey, to calm my nerves.” So the next Sunday he took the priest’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vicea one more time, you will surely die.”
A mean leaves the bar after a long night drinking. As he leaves, late for dinner again, he sees an old bloke begging on the corner. And the bloke says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?” The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bloke, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy alcohol?”
A man and his wife are having a drink in a bar. The man keeps staring at a drunk woman sitting alone at the next table. His wife asks him, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” the man says. “She”s my old girlfriend.
A man is drinking in a bar. After he’s been drinking for a while he mentions that his girlfriend is out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it is so cold, goes to check on her. When he looks inside the car, he sees the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shakes his head and walks back inside.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me three bottles of Guinness, please.” So the bartender brings him three bottles and the man proceeds to sip one, then the next, and then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
An old man walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of 10-year-old Scotch and figures that the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, “This Scotch is only 10 years old! I specifically asked for 40-year-old Scotch.”