“I have an idea,” said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
“Well how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
A man is harried, frantic, and nervous. He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.
In desperation, he looks to the heavens and pleads “God, if you will give me a parking spot right now, I promise, I’ll give up drinking forever.”
Just then, a parking spot opens up right in front of him. He looks back up to God and says “nevermind, found one.”
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their alcohol consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A head walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, and after he is finished, Boom! A torso appears.
So the head asks for another drink and after he finishes, Bang! Arms come out of the torso.
So the head asks the bartender for another drink and when he has finished, Wham! Legs appear.
The head is thinking, “Hey, this stuff is great,” so he asks the bartender for one more drink for the road and Bang! His whole body disappears.
The bartender turns to him and says, “You should have quit while you were a head.”
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This process of natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.