A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Murphy replied, “When Im worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey, to calm my nerves.” So the next Sunday he took the priest’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Jokes Tagged ‘drunk’
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Why a Nun Needs Liquor
February 19th, 2011 
jokester Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack’s Liquor Store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”
Don’t Screw Around with Uncle Bob
February 19th, 2011 jokester The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
Parents can be so embarrassing
January 29th, 2011 jokester Three men walk into a bar. A drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the man in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the man ignores him, so the drunk wanders off.
My ex-girlfriend drinks all the time
January 29th, 2011 jokester A man and his wife are having a drink in a bar. The man keeps staring at a drunk woman sitting alone at the next table. His wife asks him, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” the man says. “She”s my old girlfriend.
My friend is so drunk
January 29th, 2011 jokester A man is drinking in a bar. After he’s been drinking for a while he mentions that his girlfriend is out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it is so cold, goes to check on her. When he looks inside the car, he sees the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shakes his head and walks back inside.
Lending a drunk a helping hand
January 27th, 2011 jokester A man is in a bar after a long night of drinking when he notices a drunk who keeps falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man trying to get back up onto his stool. Feeling a bit sorry for the drunk, the man tries to help him stand up, but the drunk just keeps falling back down to the floor.
Give me a beer before the problems start
January 26th, 2011 jokester A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before problems start!” He drinks the beer, then orders another, shouting, “Give me a beer before problems start!” The bartender looks confused.
How many times are you going to throw me out of this bar
January 26th, 2011 jokester A man stumbles into a bar and begins ordering drink after drink. The bartender throws the man out for being too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar and again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks back into the bar. The bartender is just about to throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, “How many bars do you own, anyway?”
All the things we have in common
January 24th, 2011 jokester Two men are sitting in a bar and the first one asks if the other one if he can buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks, “Where are you from?” “I”m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
(4.00 out of 5)