THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
- You believe in Santa Claus.
- You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
- You are Santa Claus.
- You look like Santa Claus.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
- No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
- When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
- Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
- Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
- You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
- The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
- Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
- Wrinkles don’t hurt.
- Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
- Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
- Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
At age 4 success is . . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is .. . … ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money….
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not peeing in your pants.
An old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast a possible. The man walks up to the boy and says “You know son, its really not healthy to eat all that candy.”
The kid looks up at him and says, “You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old.”
The man replies “Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?”
The kid looks at him and says “No, but he minded his own business.”
Bernie was eating dinner at a friend’s home when he noticed that Morris, the dinner host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie was impressed. He looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those sweet pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”
An elderly widow and widower had been dating for over five years. The oldman finally decided to ask her to marry him. Without hesitation, she immediately said “yes”.
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to his marriage proposal.
“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”