Funny Dear Abby Letters
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into the apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, but when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think that it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Funny Dear Abby Responses
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later, his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and still chasing women. Any suggestions?
Annie Dear Annie, Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any Suggestions?
Sam Dear Sam Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write?
Ted Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose Dear Rose, So would I.
Dear Abby, What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress Bess?
Dear Bess, Night and day.
Print, save, and reuse as needed. The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter.
Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.