04 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Limericks about Limericks

There once was a girl named Katie

Who looked like she was from Haiti

She looked very foreign

Now this limerick’s borin

Now hoist up the sails, matie.


There once was a man from the sticks

Who liked to compose limericks

but he gave up the sport

cause he wrote em too short


A limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical

The good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical


This limerick is nice

I hope its not annoying like mice

Its not too polite

Or very right

But maybe it’ll give you luck with dice


There once was a girl from the sticks

Who liked to write limericks.

But she failed at the sport,

‘Cause she wrote them too short.


I think the limericks are fun

and when I have read the last one

I’ll wipe away tears

from my eyes and my beard

and go back to where I’d begun.


A limerick by Matilda is neater

since she reponds by commutative meter;

she ducks into the fray

in an associative way

until someone finds out how to delete her.


There once was a boy named Eric,

Who once had a friend named Derik,

He was all so crazy,

Who felt kinda lazy,

Because he had to write a limerick.


There was a seedy old poet named Dick

Who tried to write a good limerick

His effors energetic

Gave results so pathetic

That hearing made his cohorts quite sick!


A Limerick’s easy to write

Five lines with a humorous bite

And the first one must rhyme

with the last two each time

While the middle two paired make it right.


In order to write a good limerick

You must first come up with a gimerick

then write it down fast

’cause the thought seldom lasts

and repeat it 10 times with a grinerick


The limerick is furtive and mean

You must keep her in close quarantine

Or she sneaks to the slums

And promptly becomes

Disorderly, drunk and obscene.


Today I am being audacious

By omitting all matter salacious

From this limerick I write.

If I’m lucky, I might

Avoid being call “puritanacious.”


Lordy, Please Don’t Ye Smite ’em

‘Cause I Smiles When I Sight ’em

I Laugh At The Gimerick

When I Reads A Limerick

I Only Cuss Because I Knows I Cain’t Write ’em


I read some limericks at a website

they were humorous, nasty and some trite

I laughed quite a bit

the page was a hit

I bookmarked it for a future night


I once had a teacher so cruel

she insisted we all stay in school

Till death do we part

and learn limericks by heart

then our brains were all turned into gruel


A limerick fan from Australia

regarded his work as a failure:

his verses were fine

until the fourth line

?


 

 

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04 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Legal and Law Enforcement Limericks

There once was a guy named Kyle,

Who always loved to smile.

He went to the fair,

Tripped over a bear,

Now there’s a lawsuit on file.

 

 

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04 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Science Fiction Limericks

There once was a little creature,

Who had an unusual feature.

He flew here from Mars,

To raid all the bars,

Then he got spanked by his teacher.


There once was a man from mars

who had a knack for selling used cars

he said take this one

and you’ll have lots of fun

except for the trunk full of tar

 

 

 

 

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04 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Bathroom Humor Limericks

There once was a man named Juan

who everyone noticed was gone

they look all around

he was nowhere to be found

then they saw him come out from the john

 

 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Country and Cowboy Limericks

There once was a cowboy named Boone,

Who always hung out in a saloon,

He sat on a thistle,

And boy, did he whistle,

And he sat, picking them out by the moon.


 

 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Religion and God Limericks

There was a young man who said, God

Must think it exceedingly odd

If he finds that this tree

Continues to be

When there’s no one about in the Quad.


Dear Sir:

Your astonishment’s odd:

I am always about in the Quad.

And that’s why the tree

Will continue to be,

Since observed by

Yours Faithfully,

GOD.


There once was a demon named Bob

Who was contented to plunder and rob

He shot out lost souls

Through tiny nose holes

For that was his long-lasting job.


Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior

“Your singing is quite inferior!”

She,not to be crass,

did show some real class

Said,”You can kiss my posterior!”


 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Money and Business Limericks

There once was a boy named John

Who owned a fifty-dollar bond

He felt so lucky

He bought a BIG rubber ducky

And now his money is all gone


A greasy old wino named Ray

gave the dollar “Lotto” a play.

Son of a bitch!

The bum struck it rich

and now he swills Mouton-Cadet!

 

 

 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Love, Happiness, and Relationships Limericks

There is this girl we all know.

Who’s more beautiful than fresh fallen snow.

She’s loving and kind,

much better than fine.

She’s one in a trillion or so.


Now there’s this lad named Dave.

Who was quite a witty young knave.

He met this girl,

his head did a twirl.

Now it is her love he doth crave.


What I’m trying to say not very clearly.

Elizabeth, I love you dearly.

Will you be mine,

for all of time?

I mean all this quite sincerely.


There once was a man named Bill Beebee

Who was in love with a girl named Phoebe

He said I must see

what the wedding fee be

Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee


There once was a chick from 408

She met a guy who asked her for a date.

They wined and they dined,

having a wonderful time,

hoping their new friendship would never abate


There once was a boy named Bill,

who had quite a fancy for Jill,

but like him she did not,

for he was full of snot,

so Bill got nil, and hooked up with Phil!


There once was this guy-DiCaprio

Whose acting was only so-so

He’s cute, he’s so fine

I wish he were mine

To a wedding chapel we would go.


There was a young girl from Oliver,

And all the men did follow her,

Until a guy came along,

And played her his song,

And all the rest quit call’n her.


A young woman who upon her divan

was attacked by a virile young man

“Such excess of passion

is quite out of fashion”

And she fractured his wrist with her fan


The bottle of perfume that Willie sent

Was highly displeasing to Millicent

Her thanks were so cold

They quarrelled, I’m told

Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent


 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Sports Limericks

There was a golfer from Verdun

Who was not to be outdone.

To avoid glitches

He carried spare britches

In case he got a hole in one.


It’s hard to suppress Iron Mike’s

Obsession to bite what he likes

So if he’s seen nuthin’ grander

Than the ears of Evander

Then Mike bites if he likes? Yikes!


There was a young man, who loved football,

He was waiting for the NFL to call,

While watching games and drinking beer,

He watched his chin and gut grow near,

And now he’s in no shape to play Foosball


There once was a guy named Matt.

He played with a ball and bat.

When asked why,

He would reply:

“I just wanted to wear my hat”


There was a boy played basketball.

When ever he run he also fall.

He run between the guys.

But his dream never realized.

Because his body was too small.

 

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03 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Transportation Limericks

A man with two chins

Built bicycles for twins

He had on hand

A suitable brand.

Called them Siamese Schwinns.


There was a young boy in my way

Who was always happy and gay

He jumped and he ran

Like a crazy old man

To avoid the fast moving sleigh


There once was a man from mars

who had a knack for selling used cars

he said take this one

and you’ll have lots of fun

except for the trunk full of tar


There was a wee lad from a cold clime

who said “No worries, mate, my driving’s sublime!”

But a dent he did make

when he failed to brake

and now insists speaking in rhyme.


I took a trip on the Titanic

And suddenly became very manic

With icebergs up ahead

“This liner’s”, someone said

“Designed by engineers not pedantic.”


I went to Tibet with my mama

We rode though the mountains on llamas

But I couldn’t wait to get back

To my home where it is flat

On the sunny beach in the Bahamas


There once was a man named Joe

who would ride his bike with Moe

he’d ride all day

and then he would say

hey Moe where now will we go?


There was a young lady named Rhonda

Who sped around in her Honda.

While trying to pass,

She ran out of gas

And now her poor Honda is gonda.


I knew of a hedgehog in Texas

Who purchased a shiny new Lexus

He sped away fast

But he didn’t last

Cuz he was sucked up into a Nexus!


 

 

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