25 December 2015 ~ 0 Comments

Co-pilot checklist

Co-pilot checklist

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22 January 2013 ~ 0 Comments

Kulula – the funny airlines with a (sometimes dark) sense of humor

Kulula  is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself  too seriously. Below we have a collection of funny flight-attendant and pilot announcements along with some hilarious pictures of Kulula’s beautiful airplanes.

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Kulula  is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the  in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more  entertaining. Here  are some real examples that have been heard or  reported:

On  a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit  where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard  time choosing, when a flight attendant  announced,
“People,  people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and  get in it!”

On  another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew,  the pilot said,
“Ladies  and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and  to enhance the appearance of your flight  attendants.”

On  landing, the stewardess said,
“Please  be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to  have.”

“There  may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank  you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the  business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a  ride.”

As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big  fella. WHOA!”

After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the  Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight  announced,
“Please  take care when opening the overhead compartments because,  after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has  shifted.”

From  a Kulula employee:
“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port  Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab  into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every  other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one,  you probably shouldn’t be out in public  unsupervised.”

“In  the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling  with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If  you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your  favorite.”

“Weather  at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank  you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more  than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your  seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event  of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your  belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or  spouses..”

And  from the pilot during his welcome message:
“Kulula  Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard  on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are  thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s  fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight  attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard  on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy  and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really  had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight  Attendant said,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in  your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain  taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another  flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:  “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo  bounces us to the terminal.”

An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had  hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline  had a policy which required the first officer to stand at  the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a  “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of  his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers  in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart  comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little  old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sir,  do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why,  no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old  lady said,
“Did  we land, or were we shot down?”

After  a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant  came on with,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching  halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared  and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door  and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

Part  of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d  like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the  next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of  Kulula Airways.”

Heard  on a Kulula flight:
“Ladies  and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

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29 March 2012 ~ 0 Comments

The showoff F-16 pilot

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, “Watch this!”, and promptly went into a barrel-roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”

The C-130 droned along for about five minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The C-130 pilot chuckled. “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, visited the restroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.”

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28 February 2012 ~ 0 Comments

Funny things said on a plane

The following are collection of (supposedly) true announcements made on some of the more humorous national airlines.

Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.  This is for your personal comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

As the plane landed and was coming to a particularly hard stop on the runway , a calm, but authoritative voice came over the loudspeaker commanding: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing at the airport, the flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we can be pretty damn sure everything has shifted.”

Weather at our destination is balmy 50 degrees with some broken clouds – but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive at the gate. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Grand Dragon Airlines.

Remember, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device.  In the event of an emergency landing, you may use the seat cushions to paddle safely to shore and by all means,  take them with our compliments.

A flight attendant’s announcement after a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing, the attendant announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Grand Dragon Airways.

 

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06 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Frankfurt Landing

The following is a real-life exchange between air traffic controllers and British Airways 747.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot.  They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them so it was with some amusement that pilots listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird) after landing.

Speedbird: ” Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Guten Morgen, taxi to your gate.”

The BA747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird: “Standby Ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground: (with typical German impatience) “Speedbird 206 have you never been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird: (coolly) “Yes in 1944 but I didn’t stop.”

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06 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Make sure you know your pilot before you take off

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go!   Let’s go!”  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!   I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

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06 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

True Aviation Rules to Live By

The following are rules every aviator lives by:

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
  4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  6. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  7. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the oppo- site direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
  10. In the ongoing battle between objects made of alumi- num going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  11. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  12. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

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10 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Top 30 Pilot Rules of Flight

Top 30 Pilot Rules of Flight

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed. (Isn’t that why they came up with checklists? 🙂

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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