28 March 2012 ~ 0 Comments

Hey, I have questions!

I thought I knew everything but then I got to thinking…

  • Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
  • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  • Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

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05 June 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Did you hear about…

Did you hear about…

 

Q: Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?

A: He’s 0K now.

 

Q: Did you hear about woman who couldn’t find a singing partner?

She ended up buying a duet-your-self kit.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a truck load of prunes?

A: He’s been on the run for the last month.

 

Q: Did you hear about the pigeon who wanted to buy a famous London landmark?

A: He put a deposit on Big Ben.

 

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?

A: He woke up.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man from London who became very thirsty when he went to visit his relatives in Vancouver?

A: He drank Canada Dry.

 

Q: Did you hear about the stupid shoplifter?

A: He was found squashed under a shop.

 

Q: Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bankrupt last week?

A: They couldn’t make hens meet.

 

Q: Did you hear about the very intelligent monster?

A: He was called Frank Einstein.

 

Q: Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

A: The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.

 

Q: Did you hear about the young man who got really worried when his nose kept growing until it was eleven inches long?

A: He thought it might turn into a foot.

 

Q: Did you hear about the florist who had two children?

A: One is a budding genius and the other one is a blooming idiot.

 

Q: Did you hear about the musical ghost?

A: He wrote haunting melodies.

 

Q: Did you hear about the woman who was so ugly she could make yogurt just by staring at a glass of milk for an hour?

 

Q: Did you hear about the farmer’s boy who hated working in the country?

A: He went to London and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. So the farmer made hay while the son shone.

 

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

A: It was in tents!

 

Q: Did you hear about the dangerous fool who keeps going around saying “no” anytime someone asks them a question?

A:No.

Oh no, it’s you!

 

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably….

 

Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

A: Great food but no atmosphere.

 

Q: Did you hear about the rich Arab who bought a herd of cows?

A: He became a milk sheikh.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who listened to the match?

A: He burnt his ear.

 

Q: Did you hear about the detective who became famous after solving crimes by pure chance?

A: He was called Sheer – Luck Holmes.

 

Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?

A: He was a million-hare.

 

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

A: He sold his soul to Santa

 

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

A: He’s all right now.

 

Q: Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for their mother’s birthday?

A: They threw a sowprize party.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man went into a bank and asked to see the man who arranged loans?

A: ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ said a cashier, ‘the loan arranger is out to lunch at the moment.’

Q: ‘Well, can I speak to Tonto, then?’ asked the man.

 

Q: Did you hear about the horse that has made over twenty movies?

A: He’s not a star though, he just does bit parts.

 

Q: Did you hear about the dog that ate nothing but garlic?

A: His bark was much worse than his bite.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

A: He was sentenced to 12 months in jail; they say his days are numbered.

 

Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A: A strong current pulled him under.

 

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05 June 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Questions and Answers about Birds

Here’s a collection of funny questions and answers about birds.

Q: Why did the owl, owl?

A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

 

Q: What is a polygon?

A: A dead parrot!

 

Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?

A: The parrots of Penzance!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?

A: A firequaker!

 

Q: What is a parrot’s favorite game?

A: Hide and Speak!

 

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?

A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

 

Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?

A: ‘The pheasants are revolting’!

 

Q: What is the definition of Robin?

A: A bird who steals!

 

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?

A: When they’re going cheap!

 

Q: What do parrots eat?

A: Polyfilla!

 

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment!

 

Q: What bird tastes just like butter?

A: A stork!

 

Q: What’s another name for a clever duck?

A: A wise quacker!

 

Q: Which bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin!

 

Q: What’s got six legs and can fly long distances?

A: Three swallows!

 

Q: What is a duck’s favorite TV show?

A: The feather forecast!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A: A bird that will talk you ear off!

 

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?

A: A box of quackers!

 

Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?

A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

 

Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?

A: Robber ducks!

 

Q: What kind of bird opens doors?

A: A kiwi!

 

Q: What language do birds speak?

A: Pigeon English!

 

Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?

A: Send him to polytechnic!

 

Q: Where do birds invest their money?

A: In the stork market!

 

Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?

A: The Birds Eye counter!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?

A: A bird that talks in morse code!

 

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

A: A headbanger!

 

Q: What do owls sing when it is raining?

A: ‘Too wet to woo’!

 

Q: What do baby swans dance to?

A: Cygnet-ure-tunes!

 

Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?

A: Birds of prey!

 

Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?

A: Tweetie Pie!

 

Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?

A: Jail-birds!

 

Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?

A: Plant bird seed!

 

Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?

A: Because they’re both full of stuffing!

 

Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

A: Fowl play!

 

Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?

A: They quack up!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

 

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?

A: A mockingbird!

 

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?

A: In a nest-cafe!

 

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

A: With it’s sparrowchute!

 

Q: What is green and pecks on trees?

A: Woody Wood Pickle!

 

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?

A: He didn’t give a hoot!

 

Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?

A: A Macaw!

 

Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?

A: A mynah bird!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A: A great walkie-talkie!

 

 

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05 June 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Questions and Answers about Bees

Here’s a collection of funny questions and answers about bees.  Consider it “everything you wanted to know about bees but were afraid to ask”.

Q: Who is the bees favorite singer?

A: Sting!

 

Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group?

A: The bee gees!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?

A: An animal that stinks and stings!

 

Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps?

A: Issues a royal pardon!

 

Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive?

A: She’s throne!

 

Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say?

A: Ho hum hum!

 

Q: Why do bees hum?

A: Because they’ve forgotten the words!

 

Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things?

A: A fumble bee!

 

Q: What did the bee say to the flower?

A: Hello honey!

 

Q: What’s a bees favorite flower?

A: A bee-gonias!

 

Q: What did the confused bee say?

A: To bee or not to bee!

 

Q: What’s black, yellow and covered in blackberries?

A: A bramble bee!

 

Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?

A: Wait at a buzz stop!

 

Q: What is the bees favorite film?

A: The Sting!

 

Q: What goes hum-choo, hum choo?

A: A bee with a cold!

 

Q: What’s a bee-line?

A: The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!

 

Q: What is a baby bee?

A: A little humbug!

 

Q: What do bees chew?

A: Bumble gum!

 

Q: What does a bee say before it stings you?

A: This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

 

Q: What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry?

A: An aero-drone!

 

Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?

A: A humburger!

 

Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?

A: A bee in a submarine!

 

Q: What’s more dangerous than being with a fool?

A: Fooling with a bee!

 

Q: What did the spider say to the bee?

A: Your honey or your life!

 

Q: Who is a bee’s favorite painter?

A: Pablo Beecasso!

 

Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?

A: Swarm here isn’t it!

 

Q: What is a bee’s favorite classical music composer?

A: Bee-thoven!

 

Q: Who writes books for little bees?

A: Bee-trix Potter!

 

Q: Where do bees go on holiday?

A: Stingapore!

 

Q: What do you call a bee who’s had a spell put on him?

A: He’s bee-witched!

 

Q: Why do bees buzz?

A: Because they can’t whistle!

 

Q: Can bees fly in the rain?

A: Not without their little yellow jackets!

 

Q: Why did the bee started talking poetry?

A: He was waxing lyrical!

 

Q: What goes zzub, zzub?

A: A bee flying backwards!

 

Q: What are the cleverest bees?

A: Spelling bees!

 

Q: What bee is good for your health?

A: Vitamin bee!

 

Q: What’s a bees favorite novel?

A: The Great Gats-bee!

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?

A: A hum dinger!

 

Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir?

A: A humdred!

 

Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?

A: Because they kept droning on and on!

 

Q: What do you call a bee born in May?

A: A maybe!

 

Q: What kind of bee can’t be understood?

A: A mumble bee!

 

Q: Where do bees keep their money?

A: In a honey box!

 

Q: What TV station do bees watch?

A: Bee bee c one!

 

Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?

A: Bee-hive yourself!

 

Q: Why did the bees go on strike?

A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!

 

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

A: Beacuse of the honey combs!

 

Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?

A: A bee is an aeroplane!

 

 

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26 May 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny life ponderings

Questions we ponder, such as…

Why would you put a baby, in a cradle, in a treetop?

If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say “fire at will”?

If the weather man says “there’s a 50% chance of rain tomorrow” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Who’s idea was it to make the word abbreviation so long?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things back down on the ground?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Is it a coincidence that when you put ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ together, it forms ‘THEIRS’.

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they call it “head over heels in love” if our head is always over our heels anyway?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes when he had the chance?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If it’s called lipstick then why does it always come off your lips?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do their partner swimmers all drown too?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

What do you call a male ladybug?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still always wrong?

Why is it called tourist season when it’s still illegal to shoot at them?

Why is that when you transport something by car it’s called shipment but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Shouldn’t they be called “compartments”?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport “the terminal”?

Can atheists get insurance for “acts of God”?

Why is there not another word for synonym?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp?”

Why do they put “for indoor or outdoor use only” on Christmas lights?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss when it’s actually a “near hit”?

How do you respond to someone when they say you’re in denial, but you’re not?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a famous song written about him?

Why is it that you can tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you but if you tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it to make sure?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If you went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was would she refuse to tell you because it would defeat the purpose?

If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, “Everybody get down”, would all the people start dancing?

Is it alarming that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Don’t you find it weird we sing a song to our kids about: “scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub”?

Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Is extraordinary just more ordinary than usual?

Why do kamikaze pilots always wear helmets?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

How come you never read the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If they say laughter is the best medicine then why do we have the phrase, “I died laughing”?

Why do doctors leave the room when your getting dressed when they’ve already seen you naked?

When butterflies get upset or nervous, what do they get in their stomachs?

Where do they put price stickers on non-stick pans?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

 

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18 April 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Funny Life Altering Questions

Life altering questions or questions we all have.  Sorry, but the Funny Grins gurus have yet to come up with answers to these questions.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

 

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06 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Things to Ponder

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

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06 February 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Did You Ever Wonder Why?

Did Ya’ Ever Just Wonder…

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why do they call them “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

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31 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Questions and Answers

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 500 women went down on the Titanic.

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05 January 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Attorney Questions and Answers

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetary.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?

A: Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?

A: Who cares?

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?

A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don’t vultures them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?

A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.

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