Religion doesn’t have to be stuffy. Check out part 2 of this collection of hilarious (and enlightening) church signs. Click for larger view.
Religion doesn’t have to be stuffy. Check out this collection of hilarious (and enlightening) church signs. Click picture for larger view.
A man is harried, frantic, and nervous. He’s late for an interview, and he’s been driving around the block for 20 minutes trying to find a spot.
In desperation, he looks to the heavens and pleads “God, if you will give me a parking spot right now, I promise, I’ll give up drinking forever.”
Just then, a parking spot opens up right in front of him. He looks back up to God and says “nevermind, found one.”
A Jewish man was deeply troubled by the way his son had turned out. He went to see his local Rabbi about it.
“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah. It cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you, I, too, raised my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, only to have him come to me one day and tell me he has decided to become a Chrsitian.”
“What did you do?” Asked the lawyer.
“I turned to God for the answer, of course,” replied the Rabbi.
“And what did he say?”
He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
There was a young man who said, God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there’s no one about in the Quad.
Your astonishment’s odd:
I am always about in the Quad.
And that’s why the tree
Will continue to be,
Since observed by
There once was a demon named Bob
Who was contented to plunder and rob
He shot out lost souls
Through tiny nose holes
For that was his long-lasting job.
Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
“Your singing is quite inferior!”
She,not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,”You can kiss my posterior!”
Michael O’Rourke brought his fiancée to Ireland to meet his mother, telling her to answer all of her future mother- in-law’s questions honestly regardless of what they were.
“Cheryl my dear what kind of work did you do in London?”
“Well Mrs. O’Rourke, I was a prostitute”.
“Holy Mary, Mother of God, did you say you were a Protestant?”
“No, Mrs. O’Rourke I said prostitute”.
“God bless you my child, welcome to the family”.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”
The Lord smiled. “Think about it- who can he tell?”
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I would never tell a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”