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You might be a redneck if…
- More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
- You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
- You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
- You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
- Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
- There is a wasp nest in your living room.
- The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
- You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
- You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
- Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
- Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
- You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
- You’re an expert on worm beds.
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
- Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
- Your family tree does not fork.
- The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
- Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
- Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
- Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
- Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
- The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
- Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
- You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
- You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
- You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
- You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
- Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
- You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
- None of your shirts cover your stomach.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Bikers back down from your momma.
- You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
- Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
- You clean your nails with a stick.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
- People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
- You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
- You’ve ever bought a used cap.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
- Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
- Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
- In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
- Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
- You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
- The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
- You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
- Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
- You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
- You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- You mow your lawn and find a car.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
- More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
- You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
- You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
- You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
- Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
- There is a wasp nest in your living room.
- The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
- You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
- You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
- Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
- Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
- You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
- You’re an expert on worm beds.
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
- Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
- Your family tree does not fork.
- The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
- Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
- Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
- Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
- Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
- The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
- Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
- You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
- You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
- You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
- You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
- Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
- You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
- None of your shirts cover your stomach.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Bikers back down from your momma.
- You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
- Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
- You clean your nails with a stick.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
- People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
- You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
- You’ve ever bought a used cap.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
- Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
- Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
- In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
- Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
- You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
- The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
- You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
- Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
- You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
- You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- You mow your lawn and find a car.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
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