You might be a redneck if…

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You might be a redneck if…

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
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