45 Fun Things to Do On an Essay You Don’t Care About


45 fun things to do on a paper you don’t care about

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts
with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking
them all over the professor’s door.


4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of
your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would
have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking
them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with “This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds”.

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog
from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can’t do
the paper because you’re not sure if the class really exists, or if
it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.
If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the
paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper
was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words,

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn’t retrieve the

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of
the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor’s desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain
that you can’t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive
military information and is only available on a “need to know” basis.
Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an “˜A’.

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you
were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the
paper mixed up. Say that you’ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This
is a nifty way to get an extension.)

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won’t see you
until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that
on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run
over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned
by the professor, act like it’s nothing unusual. After all, he did
tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different
perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and
hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn’t possibly express what
you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc
Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King
Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of
trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it’s only a
few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows
on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
“less filling” or that it “tastes great”. Also explain why Aristotle
would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers’
reactions to Spuds McKensie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other
interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
screaming, “I have a paper! I have a paper!”. Run around the class
a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
“There’s my paper!”, then run outside to get it. Repeat this all
through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the
paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire
collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
example, call George Washington “Georgie”. Call Ben Franklin

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w’s whenevew
you weawwy want to type r’s ow l’s.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l’s and r’s in youl papel, rike Monty
Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline
of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in
a bar so that you could see “sociology in action”.


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