Attorney Questions and Answers

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Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

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Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetary.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?

A: Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?

A: Who cares?

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?

A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don’t vultures them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?

A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.

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