Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don’t vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
