Funny snappy answers to stupid questions


A collection of funny, snappy, one-line comebacks to the stupid questions people frequently ask.

Q: Is that a new haircut?

A: No, there’s a dial on my back that makes it longer or shorter

A: It’s my new merkin, did they fit it incorrectly?


A: Actually, it’s my sister’s but I liked it so much I stole it from her.


Q: Is that your car?

A: No, it’s my stupid person killing machine. Would you stand right there for just one more second please.

A: No, it’s my personal time machine.  When I push this pedal here on the floor, 10 minutes later it transports me somewhere else.

A: No, it’s the grand prize award for the smartest person I meet today.  Could you excuse me, I need to talk to the guy standing behind you.


Q: Is this your school?

A: No, it’s my home and these are my two thousand brothers and sisters.  Would you like to come in and meet them?

A: No, it’s he city’s school.  If it were my school it would have rides and animals.

A: No, it’s Santa’s workshop and we’re his little elves.


Q: Changing a flat tire?

A: No, I just believe in rotating the tires every day out here in the middle of nowhere.

A: No, I’m a tire thief.

A: Oh crap, this is the tire?  I was trying to change the oil.

A: No, the car is too high so I decided to lower it a few inches.


Q: [To the receptionist in the doctor’s office] Are there many people ahead of me in line?

A: No, they’re all just here to read the old magazines.

A: Not if they all die before the doctor gets to them.

A: Not if your appointment is for tomorrow.


Q: You’re so nice, why aren’t you married?

A: Because the only people I know are fools like you.

A: I’m opposed to dental hygiene for religious purposes; that makes it hard to find a girl.

A: Actually I’m not single, my girlfriend just doesn’t know who I am yet.

A: What, and give up the joy of constantly asking women for a date?


Q: Is that your dog [sitting in your lap]?

A: No, this is my neighbor’s dog.  My dog is in my neighbor’s lap.

A: No, it’s my wife Selma showing her appreciation for the fur coat I just bought her.

A: No, it’s a hairy hot water bottle.


Q: [One kid asking another kid] Is that your mother?

A: No, just some lady I adopted because I desperately needed to be criticized, abused, and emotionally rejected.

A: No, it’s my father.  My mother dresses even funnier.

A: No, my girl friend.  I go for older women.


Q: [to an obviously pregnant woman] Are you going to have a baby?

A: No, a full-grown up.  Babies require too much care.

A: No, I’m a shoplifter and my dress is stuffed with stolen stuff.

A: No, I swallowed a balloon and every time I take a breath it gets larger.


Q: [in a story with clocks clearly visible] Do you carry clocks?

A: Clocks? Clocks? Could you describe what one looks like?

A: No, I used to but they were just too heavy so now I just wear watches.

A: No, all we have are these silly round things with numbers and hands.


Q: [to a man with an armful of firewood] Are you going to build a fire?

A: No, a nest.  I need someplace to lay my eggs.

A: No, I’m going to build a two hundred story building out of twigs.

A: No, it’s just that I can’t stand a sloppy forest so I thought I’d pick up a little here and there.


Q: [to the receptionist in the optometrist office] Would you like to get your eyes examined?

A: What a silly question, driver.  Now, when does this bus leave for Newark?

A: No, I’d like a pound of chopped liver.  I get my eyes examined in the delicatessen.

A: No, I’d like my head examined for picking an optician who asks stupid questions.


Q: [to a surrendering army holding up their white flags] Do you give up?

A: No, we’re signalling with these flags to see if YOU give up.

A: No, we’re starting our own country and testing out our new national flag.

A: No, we’ve been doing a lot of crying lately and this is how we dry out our hankies.


Q: Did the garlic give me bad breath?

A: No, I always turn green this time of the day.

A: This is no time to discuss such trivial matters when our country is under a gas attack.

A: I hope so.  Otherwise you’re dead and decomposing.


Q: [Couple watching two people making out in a restaurant] Are they making out?

A: No, they’re wrestling over who should pay the check.

A: No, he’s giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.

No, they’re sharing a stick of gum.


Q: [To person listening to radio held to their head] Are you listening to that radio?

A: No, I’m listening to the ocean’s roar on this transistorized seashell.

A: No, I stole this thing and I’m trying to hide it in my ear.

A: No, there’s music coming out of my head and I’m trying to capture it on this tape recorder.


Q: [Gas station attendant asking customer] Do you need gas?

A: No, I need a place to park.  Mind if I leave it here by this gas pump for the day?

A: No, I won two shares of Exxon stock and I just thought I’d drop in to see how we’re doing.

A: No, I’ve got gas.  Do you have any alka-seltzer?


Q: Are you going to fly that kite?

A: No, I’m going to plug my portable radio into an electrical storm.

A: No, I wet a ball of twine and this is the only way I could think of to dry it out.

A: No, when I fly, I prefer an airplane.


Q: [to man carrying a chair] Are you going to sit over there?

A: No, after hauling this chair all the way over here I’m gong to sit on the floor.

A: No, just my bottom half will.  My top half will sit back there.

A: Shhhh… Not so loud.  I’m stealing this chair.


Q: [To person with messy hair] Did you brush your hair this morning?

A: Yes, with a rake.

A: Yes, but then this bird came along and built this nest on my head.

A: My todo list this morning was brush teeth, brush hair, and kill the first person that asks me a stupid question.  I knew I was forgetting something.


Q: [from a person where calendar is obviously available] What day is this?

A: This is Friday.  But we like Tuesday so much we keep it all week.

A: This is our luck day meeting someone as observant and intelligent as you.

A: It’s “National Stupid Questions Day” and you win first prize.


Q: Are you the babysitter?

A: No, I’m the twelve year old mother of these kids.

A: No, I’m the babystander – think these monsters would let anybody sit for a minute?

A: No, I’m Snowwhite and these are three of my dwarfs.


Q: [to a person looking under the hood of their car] Having trouble?

A: No, I’m taking a shave with the fan blade of this car.

A: No, I’m sick and too shy to throw up in public?

A: No, I’m a hood ornament.


Q: [to a person standing in line at the movies] Going to the movies?

A: No, I was just standing here minding my own business when this crazy lien formed all around me.

A: No, I got sick and tired of the people I know so I decided to hand out with a new crowd.

A: No, I’m going to the bank but I’m too embarrassed to break through this line.


Q: [obviously to a red haired kid] Where did you get your red hair?

A: My mother is a pink flamingo.

A: I stand on my head a lot and the blood stains my hair.

A: I eat two hundred carrots every day.


Q: [to a customer in the ice cream shop] Do you need a spoon?

A: No, I’ll wait until it melts and then drink it.

A: No, I need two slices of bread.  I meant to order an ice cream sandwich.

A: No, I need a memo pad.  I want to make a note of the superb service in this place.


Q: [to a person in a bathtub] Are you taking a bath?

A: No, I’m going to leave it right here where I found it.

A: No, I’m going down with a sinking ship. Throw me a lifeline!

A: No, I have a weak bladder.


Q: [in a pizza restaurant] Can I order a pizza?

A: You probably could but I can already tell you that they don’t listen very well.

A: Oh, I’m sorry sir, these aren’t pizzas.  They’re our newest invention – edible frisbees.  Stand right that and I’ll throw one at, er, to you.

A: Don’t worry about it, everyone makes that mistake. This sign should read “Pizza Ship”.  Would you like to purchase a ticket?


Q: [to the toll booth operator at the tollway exit] Is this exit 81?

A: Sorry sir, I don’t know how old this exit is.  I’m 32 if that’s any help.

A: No, that big sign with “81” on it is for keeping count of how many stupid questions I get asked in a day.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to put up an 82 now.

A: No, you have to take a number to get out and we’re up to 81 now.


Q: [to a person in hell] Hot enough for you?

A: No, but don’t change it just for me.  The others may like it this way.

A: I really can’t tell.  I think everything below my neck has melted.

A: Hot?  You call this hot?  It’s plain to see you’ve never been in a New York subway during a summer rush hour.


Q: [to the prince that’s been turned into a frog] Would you like me to turn you back into a prince?

A: What?  And give up this terror ridden swamp for a life of ease and security?  Are you out of your mind?

A: No.  Princes are a dime a dozen. But how many talking frogs do you know?

A: No, I’d rather you changed into a frog.


Q: [to a genie coming out of a bottle] Are you a genie?

A: No, I’m just an ordinary everyday type person who happens to enjoy living in an oil lamp.

A: No, I’m a salesman for Air India.

A: No, I’m a brown tornado.


Q: [to a person fighting a dragon] Are you fighting that dragon?

A: No, I’m fighting nausea.  Did you ever get a good whiff of fire and brimstone?

A: What dragon?  It’s a playful little lizard, right?  Or have I got my bi-focals on upside down again?

A: No, I’m just trying to get a light for my cigar.


Q: [to a man playing a tuba] Is that a tuba?

A: No, it’s a new type of inconspicuous hearing aid.

A: No, I was having stomach trouble so they replaced my insides with these brass guts.

A: No, it’s a python.  Stick your head in its mouth and it’ll say something to you.


Q: [to a barber in a barbershop] Is there a barber in here?

A: No, I carry these scissors everywhere I go because they’ve made those potato chip packages so damn hard to open these days.

A: No, I carry these scissors and razors everywhere I go because I’m a serial killer.  Sit right here in this chair and I’ll chop off your head.

A: No, these are magic scissors that trim ignorance off of people.  Hang on a sec, I think I’d better sharpen them before we start working on you.


Q: [to a kid making mudpies] Are you making mudpies?

A: No I’m tapping a new food source for the world’s starving millions.

A: No, I’m making artificial flowers and wondering how a corsage would look on you.

A: No, I’m panning for dirt.


Q: Is this seat taken?

A: No, as far as I can tell, it’s still there.

A: Of course.  The invisible man is sitting in it.

A: No.  Apparently nobody wants to sit next to a guy with cooties.


Q: Would you like me to light that cigarette for you?

A: No, my nose – I’m trying to cut down on smoking.

A: No, this is my subtle way I point without using my finger.  Right now I’m pointing at an idiot.

A: No, light the flame in my heart you quick-witted perceptive man of action you.


Q: [to the man in the driveway washing his car] Washing the car today?

A: No, I need a bigger car, and I’m hoping I can get it to grow if I water it enough.

A: No, I’ve always wanted a compact and I’m hoping it will shrink when it dries.

A: No, there are two newlyweds inside who can’t afford a honeymoon at Niagara Falls.


Q: [to a man pinned against a car by a big dog] You’re not afraid of dogs are you?

A: No, but you’d better call him off.  I”m afraid my bad breath might offend him.

A: Or course not.  It’s been my lifelong ambition to become a gourmet meal for a St. Bernard.

A: Dogs, no.  But where id you get this horse?


Q: [to a man in the middle of a bank robbery] What are you up to Buddy?

A: Box #106.  Why?

A: I’m up to my  ears in trouble.  That’s what I’m up to.

A: I’m up too late.  If I’d gone to be early, I’d have been much better off.


Q: [to a man returning a car he just purchased] Having problems with your car?

A: Problems?  Oh, you mean that trail of parts the car leaves wherever I go?  That’s no problem.  That’s a marvelous help when I have to find my way home again.

A: Not yet, but after I kill you for selling me this lemon, I will have.

A: No, I enjoy people shouting “get a horse” at me.


Q: [from a doctor entering the surgery room about to perform surgery] OK, where’s the patient?

A: Right here wondering where you leave your seeing eye dog when you operate, Doctor.

A: The patient jumped out the window.  I’m here because of the hotel room shortage.

A: Take a guess.  If you’re right, you get to play “Territory” on my stomach.


Q: [ to a golf partner] Does my talking bother you?

A: Of course not.  How else can I bring my game up from a lousy 80 to a magnificent 190?

A: Oh, no.  The more you talk, the more shots I miss.  And the more shots I miss, the longer I get to pay my favorite game.

A: Not nearly as much as the fact that when you talk it means you’re still alive.


Q: [from the waiter in a restaurant] Would you like something to eat?

A: No, I satisfy my hunger by watching others eat.

A: What, and waste my lunch our?

A: Eat?  Oh, my goodness, then this is NOT the public library?


Q: [to a man who has fallen overboard] Need help?

A: No, I’m practicing for the Olympic drowning team.

A: No, I think I can swallow this ocean all by myself.

A: Yes, I’ve lost count.  Would you let me know when I’ve gone down for the third time?


Q: Is it cold out?

A: Is WHAT cold out?

A: No, I’ve taken a job at an ice plant and I thought I’d bring my work home with me.

A: No, it’s a balmy 20 degrees below zero.


Q: [to a father that looks just like his son] Is this your son?

A: No, it’s my Saint Bernard.  My son looks more like a Collie.

A: No, we’re identical twins born twenty-five years apart.

A: No, my wife.  They say married couples start to look alike after many years of living together.


Q: Are you brushing your teeth?

A: No, I’m trying to commit suicide by flushing myself down the drain.

A: No, I couldn’t find a washcloth so I’m doing the dishes with my head.

A: No, I’m licking the sink clean.


Q: So, did you bring the rain with you?

A: Rain? Why yes I did. I had some extra room in my suitcase and thought I might as well pack some rain.

A: Rain? Of course I brought the rain. My favorite pastime is watching these drivers “test their brakes” every ten feet or so; particularly the ones I’m driving directly behind.

A: Rain? Yeah, sorry about that. But sunshine will kill me. I’m sure you understand.

A: Rain? Damn, you found me out. It’s all part of Bob and my grand scheme to make hair frizz the next big thing.

A: Rain? Well to be honest I found your rain a bit…well, trampy. So I had some more sophisticated rain brought in from New York. You don’t mind, do you?

A: Rain? Crap, I ordered locusts. I knew that website didn’t seem to be on the up-and-up…

A: Rain? You mean…that’s not God crying because of something I did? I’m going to kill my brother.


Q: [to lady at the information desk] Are you information?

A: No, I’m lonely and this is the only way I can get to meet people.

A: For information, try encyclopedias, third floor.

A: Are you trying to stump me?


Q: Shall I pour more coffee in your cup?

A: No, in my mouth.  Why make extra dishes to wash?

A: No, just hold that pose while I get my oil paints and capture this moment forever.

A: No, in my lap.  It’s a little chilly in here.


Q: Are you growing a moustache?

A: No, I just have long flowing nose hairs.

A: No, it’s my pet caterpillar.

A: No, I’m growing a lip brow.


Q: Why are you letting those dandelions take over your lawn?

A:”I harvest dandelion greens and sell them as a gourmet salad ingredient. I make dandelion wine from the blossoms and sell that, too. It’s a good second income.


Q: You’ve got a panel missing in your wood fence?

A: What, that? That’s a cat door. When our cat wants to visit over at the neighbor’s, it’s much safer having her go through the fence than using the road.


Q: That looks interesting. Is that your lunch?

A: No, it’s leftover breakfast.

A: Yes, and I made extra for you, seeing you ask me on a daily basis what I eat.

A: It was, but I have an inability to eat any food if someone asks what it is.

A: It is a science experiment. Please step away. You’re infecting my laboratory with your presence.


Q: Where did you get that accent?

A: There was a buy one, get one free special at the supermarket.

A: From my mother’s womb.

A: I think it was from Accents for Dummies.

A: Melbourne, Florida.


Q: Are you ever going to clean the leaves out of your gutter?

Answer: Huh?  You mean my “aerial compost system”?



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