A collection of funny, snappy, one-line comebacks to the stupid questions people frequently ask.
Q: Is that a new haircut?
A: No, there’s a dial on my back that makes it longer or shorter
A: It’s my new merkin, did they fit it incorrectly?
A: Actually, it’s my sister’s but I liked it so much I stole it from her.
Q: Is that your car?
A: No, it’s my stupid person killing machine. Would you stand right there for just one more second please.
A: No, it’s my personal time machine. When I push this pedal here on the floor, 10 minutes later it transports me somewhere else.
A: No, it’s the grand prize award for the smartest person I meet today. Could you excuse me, I need to talk to the guy standing behind you.
Q: Is this your school?
A: No, it’s my home and these are my two thousand brothers and sisters. Would you like to come in and meet them?
A: No, it’s he city’s school. If it were my school it would have rides and animals.
A: No, it’s Santa’s workshop and we’re his little elves.
Q: Changing a flat tire?
A: No, I just believe in rotating the tires every day out here in the middle of nowhere.
A: No, I’m a tire thief.
A: Oh crap, this is the tire? I was trying to change the oil.
A: No, the car is too high so I decided to lower it a few inches.
Q: [To the receptionist in the doctor’s office] Are there many people ahead of me in line?
A: No, they’re all just here to read the old magazines.
A: Not if they all die before the doctor gets to them.
A: Not if your appointment is for tomorrow.
Q: You’re so nice, why aren’t you married?
A: Because the only people I know are fools like you.
A: I’m opposed to dental hygiene for religious purposes; that makes it hard to find a girl.
A: Actually I’m not single, my girlfriend just doesn’t know who I am yet.
A: What, and give up the joy of constantly asking women for a date?
Q: Is that your dog [sitting in your lap]?
A: No, this is my neighbor’s dog. My dog is in my neighbor’s lap.
A: No, it’s my wife Selma showing her appreciation for the fur coat I just bought her.
A: No, it’s a hairy hot water bottle.
Q: [One kid asking another kid] Is that your mother?
A: No, just some lady I adopted because I desperately needed to be criticized, abused, and emotionally rejected.
A: No, it’s my father. My mother dresses even funnier.
A: No, my girl friend. I go for older women.
Q: [to an obviously pregnant woman] Are you going to have a baby?
A: No, a full-grown up. Babies require too much care.
A: No, I’m a shoplifter and my dress is stuffed with stolen stuff.
A: No, I swallowed a balloon and every time I take a breath it gets larger.
Q: [in a story with clocks clearly visible] Do you carry clocks?
A: Clocks? Clocks? Could you describe what one looks like?
A: No, I used to but they were just too heavy so now I just wear watches.
A: No, all we have are these silly round things with numbers and hands.
Q: [to a man with an armful of firewood] Are you going to build a fire?
A: No, a nest. I need someplace to lay my eggs.
A: No, I’m going to build a two hundred story building out of twigs.
A: No, it’s just that I can’t stand a sloppy forest so I thought I’d pick up a little here and there.
Q: [to the receptionist in the optometrist office] Would you like to get your eyes examined?
A: What a silly question, driver. Now, when does this bus leave for Newark?
A: No, I’d like a pound of chopped liver. I get my eyes examined in the delicatessen.
A: No, I’d like my head examined for picking an optician who asks stupid questions.
Q: [to a surrendering army holding up their white flags] Do you give up?
A: No, we’re signalling with these flags to see if YOU give up.
A: No, we’re starting our own country and testing out our new national flag.
A: No, we’ve been doing a lot of crying lately and this is how we dry out our hankies.
Q: Did the garlic give me bad breath?
A: No, I always turn green this time of the day.
A: This is no time to discuss such trivial matters when our country is under a gas attack.
A: I hope so. Otherwise you’re dead and decomposing.
Q: [Couple watching two people making out in a restaurant] Are they making out?
A: No, they’re wrestling over who should pay the check.
A: No, he’s giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.
No, they’re sharing a stick of gum.
Q: [To person listening to radio held to their head] Are you listening to that radio?
A: No, I’m listening to the ocean’s roar on this transistorized seashell.
A: No, I stole this thing and I’m trying to hide it in my ear.
A: No, there’s music coming out of my head and I’m trying to capture it on this tape recorder.
Q: [Gas station attendant asking customer] Do you need gas?
A: No, I need a place to park. Mind if I leave it here by this gas pump for the day?
A: No, I won two shares of Exxon stock and I just thought I’d drop in to see how we’re doing.
A: No, I’ve got gas. Do you have any alka-seltzer?
Q: Are you going to fly that kite?
A: No, I’m going to plug my portable radio into an electrical storm.
A: No, I wet a ball of twine and this is the only way I could think of to dry it out.
A: No, when I fly, I prefer an airplane.
Q: [to man carrying a chair] Are you going to sit over there?
A: No, after hauling this chair all the way over here I’m gong to sit on the floor.
A: No, just my bottom half will. My top half will sit back there.
A: Shhhh… Not so loud. I’m stealing this chair.
Q: [To person with messy hair] Did you brush your hair this morning?
A: Yes, with a rake.
A: Yes, but then this bird came along and built this nest on my head.
A: My todo list this morning was brush teeth, brush hair, and kill the first person that asks me a stupid question. I knew I was forgetting something.
Q: [from a person where calendar is obviously available] What day is this?
A: This is Friday. But we like Tuesday so much we keep it all week.
A: This is our luck day meeting someone as observant and intelligent as you.
A: It’s “National Stupid Questions Day” and you win first prize.
Q: Are you the babysitter?
A: No, I’m the twelve year old mother of these kids.
A: No, I’m the babystander – think these monsters would let anybody sit for a minute?
A: No, I’m Snowwhite and these are three of my dwarfs.
Q: [to a person looking under the hood of their car] Having trouble?
A: No, I’m taking a shave with the fan blade of this car.
A: No, I’m sick and too shy to throw up in public?
A: No, I’m a hood ornament.
Q: [to a person standing in line at the movies] Going to the movies?
A: No, I was just standing here minding my own business when this crazy lien formed all around me.
A: No, I got sick and tired of the people I know so I decided to hand out with a new crowd.
A: No, I’m going to the bank but I’m too embarrassed to break through this line.
Q: [obviously to a red haired kid] Where did you get your red hair?
A: My mother is a pink flamingo.
A: I stand on my head a lot and the blood stains my hair.
A: I eat two hundred carrots every day.
Q: [to a customer in the ice cream shop] Do you need a spoon?
A: No, I’ll wait until it melts and then drink it.
A: No, I need two slices of bread. I meant to order an ice cream sandwich.
A: No, I need a memo pad. I want to make a note of the superb service in this place.
Q: [to a person in a bathtub] Are you taking a bath?
A: No, I’m going to leave it right here where I found it.
A: No, I’m going down with a sinking ship. Throw me a lifeline!
A: No, I have a weak bladder.
Q: [in a pizza restaurant] Can I order a pizza?
A: You probably could but I can already tell you that they don’t listen very well.
A: Oh, I’m sorry sir, these aren’t pizzas. They’re our newest invention – edible frisbees. Stand right that and I’ll throw one at, er, to you.
A: Don’t worry about it, everyone makes that mistake. This sign should read “Pizza Ship”. Would you like to purchase a ticket?
Q: [to the toll booth operator at the tollway exit] Is this exit 81?
A: Sorry sir, I don’t know how old this exit is. I’m 32 if that’s any help.
A: No, that big sign with “81” on it is for keeping count of how many stupid questions I get asked in a day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to put up an 82 now.
A: No, you have to take a number to get out and we’re up to 81 now.
Q: [to a person in hell] Hot enough for you?
A: No, but don’t change it just for me. The others may like it this way.
A: I really can’t tell. I think everything below my neck has melted.
A: Hot? You call this hot? It’s plain to see you’ve never been in a New York subway during a summer rush hour.
Q: [to the prince that’s been turned into a frog] Would you like me to turn you back into a prince?
A: What? And give up this terror ridden swamp for a life of ease and security? Are you out of your mind?
A: No. Princes are a dime a dozen. But how many talking frogs do you know?
A: No, I’d rather you changed into a frog.
Q: [to a genie coming out of a bottle] Are you a genie?
A: No, I’m just an ordinary everyday type person who happens to enjoy living in an oil lamp.
A: No, I’m a salesman for Air India.
A: No, I’m a brown tornado.
Q: [to a person fighting a dragon] Are you fighting that dragon?
A: No, I’m fighting nausea. Did you ever get a good whiff of fire and brimstone?
A: What dragon? It’s a playful little lizard, right? Or have I got my bi-focals on upside down again?
A: No, I’m just trying to get a light for my cigar.
Q: [to a man playing a tuba] Is that a tuba?
A: No, it’s a new type of inconspicuous hearing aid.
A: No, I was having stomach trouble so they replaced my insides with these brass guts.
A: No, it’s a python. Stick your head in its mouth and it’ll say something to you.
Q: [to a barber in a barbershop] Is there a barber in here?
A: No, I carry these scissors everywhere I go because they’ve made those potato chip packages so damn hard to open these days.
A: No, I carry these scissors and razors everywhere I go because I’m a serial killer. Sit right here in this chair and I’ll chop off your head.
A: No, these are magic scissors that trim ignorance off of people. Hang on a sec, I think I’d better sharpen them before we start working on you.
Q: [to a kid making mudpies] Are you making mudpies?
A: No I’m tapping a new food source for the world’s starving millions.
A: No, I’m making artificial flowers and wondering how a corsage would look on you.
A: No, I’m panning for dirt.
Q: Is this seat taken?
A: No, as far as I can tell, it’s still there.
A: Of course. The invisible man is sitting in it.
A: No. Apparently nobody wants to sit next to a guy with cooties.
Q: Would you like me to light that cigarette for you?
A: No, my nose – I’m trying to cut down on smoking.
A: No, this is my subtle way I point without using my finger. Right now I’m pointing at an idiot.
A: No, light the flame in my heart you quick-witted perceptive man of action you.
Q: [to the man in the driveway washing his car] Washing the car today?
A: No, I need a bigger car, and I’m hoping I can get it to grow if I water it enough.
A: No, I’ve always wanted a compact and I’m hoping it will shrink when it dries.
A: No, there are two newlyweds inside who can’t afford a honeymoon at Niagara Falls.
Q: [to a man pinned against a car by a big dog] You’re not afraid of dogs are you?
A: No, but you’d better call him off. I”m afraid my bad breath might offend him.
A: Or course not. It’s been my lifelong ambition to become a gourmet meal for a St. Bernard.
A: Dogs, no. But where id you get this horse?
Q: [to a man in the middle of a bank robbery] What are you up to Buddy?
A: Box #106. Why?
A: I’m up to my ears in trouble. That’s what I’m up to.
A: I’m up too late. If I’d gone to be early, I’d have been much better off.
Q: [to a man returning a car he just purchased] Having problems with your car?
A: Problems? Oh, you mean that trail of parts the car leaves wherever I go? That’s no problem. That’s a marvelous help when I have to find my way home again.
A: Not yet, but after I kill you for selling me this lemon, I will have.
A: No, I enjoy people shouting “get a horse” at me.
Q: [from a doctor entering the surgery room about to perform surgery] OK, where’s the patient?
A: Right here wondering where you leave your seeing eye dog when you operate, Doctor.
A: The patient jumped out the window. I’m here because of the hotel room shortage.
A: Take a guess. If you’re right, you get to play “Territory” on my stomach.
Q: [ to a golf partner] Does my talking bother you?
A: Of course not. How else can I bring my game up from a lousy 80 to a magnificent 190?
A: Oh, no. The more you talk, the more shots I miss. And the more shots I miss, the longer I get to pay my favorite game.
A: Not nearly as much as the fact that when you talk it means you’re still alive.
Q: [from the waiter in a restaurant] Would you like something to eat?
A: No, I satisfy my hunger by watching others eat.
A: What, and waste my lunch our?
A: Eat? Oh, my goodness, then this is NOT the public library?
Q: [to a man who has fallen overboard] Need help?
A: No, I’m practicing for the Olympic drowning team.
A: No, I think I can swallow this ocean all by myself.
A: Yes, I’ve lost count. Would you let me know when I’ve gone down for the third time?
Q: Is it cold out?
A: Is WHAT cold out?
A: No, I’ve taken a job at an ice plant and I thought I’d bring my work home with me.
A: No, it’s a balmy 20 degrees below zero.
Q: [to a father that looks just like his son] Is this your son?
A: No, it’s my Saint Bernard. My son looks more like a Collie.
A: No, we’re identical twins born twenty-five years apart.
A: No, my wife. They say married couples start to look alike after many years of living together.
Q: Are you brushing your teeth?
A: No, I’m trying to commit suicide by flushing myself down the drain.
A: No, I couldn’t find a washcloth so I’m doing the dishes with my head.
A: No, I’m licking the sink clean.
Q: So, did you bring the rain with you?
A: Rain? Why yes I did. I had some extra room in my suitcase and thought I might as well pack some rain.
A: Rain? Of course I brought the rain. My favorite pastime is watching these drivers “test their brakes” every ten feet or so; particularly the ones I’m driving directly behind.
A: Rain? Yeah, sorry about that. But sunshine will kill me. I’m sure you understand.
A: Rain? Damn, you found me out. It’s all part of Bob and my grand scheme to make hair frizz the next big thing.
A: Rain? Well to be honest I found your rain a bit…well, trampy. So I had some more sophisticated rain brought in from New York. You don’t mind, do you?
A: Rain? Crap, I ordered locusts. I knew that website didn’t seem to be on the up-and-up…
A: Rain? You mean…that’s not God crying because of something I did? I’m going to kill my brother.
Q: [to lady at the information desk] Are you information?
A: No, I’m lonely and this is the only way I can get to meet people.
A: For information, try encyclopedias, third floor.
A: Are you trying to stump me?
Q: Shall I pour more coffee in your cup?
A: No, in my mouth. Why make extra dishes to wash?
A: No, just hold that pose while I get my oil paints and capture this moment forever.
A: No, in my lap. It’s a little chilly in here.
Q: Are you growing a moustache?
A: No, I just have long flowing nose hairs.
A: No, it’s my pet caterpillar.
A: No, I’m growing a lip brow.
Q: Why are you letting those dandelions take over your lawn?
A:”I harvest dandelion greens and sell them as a gourmet salad ingredient. I make dandelion wine from the blossoms and sell that, too. It’s a good second income.
Q: You’ve got a panel missing in your wood fence?
A: What, that? That’s a cat door. When our cat wants to visit over at the neighbor’s, it’s much safer having her go through the fence than using the road.
Q: That looks interesting. Is that your lunch?
A: No, it’s leftover breakfast.
A: Yes, and I made extra for you, seeing you ask me on a daily basis what I eat.
A: It was, but I have an inability to eat any food if someone asks what it is.
A: It is a science experiment. Please step away. You’re infecting my laboratory with your presence.
Q: Where did you get that accent?
A: There was a buy one, get one free special at the supermarket.
A: From my mother’s womb.
A: I think it was from Accents for Dummies.
A: Melbourne, Florida.
Q: Are you ever going to clean the leaves out of your gutter?
Answer: Huh? You mean my “aerial compost system”?