Funny New Year’s Resolutions

It’s a new year, time to resolves what you will, or will not do next year.

1. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
2. Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
3. I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
4. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
7. I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
8. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
9. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
10. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
11. I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
12. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
13. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
14. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
15. I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
16. I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for christmas.
17. I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
18. My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels!