Man Q&A


How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.


How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.


How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”


How does a man show he’s planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.


How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.


What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.


What do you call a man with half a brain?



What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.


What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.


How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.


Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.


Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.


Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.


What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.


What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.


What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.


What’s the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.


What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.


What’s the smartest thing a man can say?

“My wife says…”


What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?

Straight through the rib cage.


Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

Because they’re all pigs.


Why did God create man before woman?

He didn’t want any advice.


Why did God create man before woman?

Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.


Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.


Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.


Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.


Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.


Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.


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