Famous Funny Quotes

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“You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneris

“I’m not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer

“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.” – Shelley Berman

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” – Billiam Coronel

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“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Dave Edison

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.”- Steve Bluestone

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”  – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill

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