Funny Bumper Stickers and T-Shirt Slogans

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The following are a collection of funny quotes taken straight from car bumper stickers.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

No, I wasn’t playing Devil’s Advocate.  I really think your idea is stupid.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.

Don’t thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?

He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Talk is cheap, but that’s ok, so are you.

This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.

I bet you get bullied a lot.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.

I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

I like you.  People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck.  Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.

I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.

If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be absolutely stupid.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

Pardon me, but you’re obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

She’s the first in her family born without tail.

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?

You are not even beneath my contempt.

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.

You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you’re doing your best.

Your mind isn’t so much twisted as badly sprained.

You’re a habit I’d like to kick – with both feet.

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