Funny Facebook and Twitter Statuses

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Facebook_LogoIf you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!

I don’t know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse… this can not be good

Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire.

No I didn’t trip… The floor looked like it needed a hug.

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i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot girl in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you. —

… ‘s shadow froze to the ground today. Damn it’s cooooold!

… thinks it’s dangerous to use metal utensils when it’s this cold.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

… just farted and it froze. Damn it’s coooold!

… knows it’s cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

Sometimes, not remembering may be the better.

My computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I am color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.

Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Yeah, Haley is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.

Slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

… is wondering if you choke a smurf… what color would he turn?

… hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn’t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo.

Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.

I am so proud of myself.  I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.

… thinks he might be addicted to twitter and alcohol since, he created a Twitter account just to follow the updates of various bars for their specials

… thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money

Dear Santa, let me explain…

My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, she said erect.

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

… might be addicted to eBay considering he just spent 6 hours trying to burn the face of Jesus into his toast

Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

… never makes stupid mistakes ….. only very clever ones …..

… gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

John thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.

Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?

Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

What has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA

John is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..

… had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.

… went to work with a toaster in his pants it was so cooooold.

… has one word for how cold it is… “peecicle”.

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

… thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

… thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

… is getting that Deja Fu feeling… That that somehow, somewhere, he’s been kicked in the head like this before.

… knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy — in a jar on my desk.

… is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

… believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!

… wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

… says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

… will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

… is reading his friends’ statuses and adding ‘in bed’ to the end of each one.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

I am the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.

John went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

… thinks reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

… thinks he might be addicted to Facebook because he’s seeing a lot of random people around the city, that he’s already seen on Facebook.

Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.

I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go .

… remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

20/20 hearing!

… is huked on fonics.

… needs blood in his caffeine system

… would quit smoking but it’s better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish and worry about my lungs

… loves cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

… hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

… says “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!”

… thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.

… may kill you in the morning.

… reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that’s wrong. I win…always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!

… thinks it’s impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!

… was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

… is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

… didn’t mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

… is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

… would like you to give him back that filet o’ fish! Give me that fish!

… is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

… is very very very slee

… is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!

… is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an “i” before Apple does it… such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set…

Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes… Casual Fridays here I come!

… is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter

… is bringing sexy back… to the store for a refund!

… is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB

… is the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctiona

… knows it’s cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.

… chipped his tooth on his soup… Damn it’s cooooold!

Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? ………You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like! Anything is possible when your Facebook status looks like this one…

… says finally an iPhone killer… Your left hand!

… says Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. I’m on a horse.

… sometimes runs up to strangers on the street and yells “YOU’RE IT!!” and then runs away.

… is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn’t surprising really, since it isn’t my birthday.… not only had to take his mom to the prom.. he had to pay her $20…

… has breaking news.. many iPhone4 users are irate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple’s iDon’tcare.

… notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.

… is reflecting that the cost of living hasn’t affected it’s popularity.

… wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

… thinks it’s odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they’re beautiful animals. Hmmm…. I think my wife is beautiful.

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