Bored in class
TOM: Bored as hell. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
TEACHER: Did you forget that we are friends on Facebook? I am looking at your right now using your phone. I have asked you repeatedly NOT to use your cell phone in class. Maybe this will get your attention???? You should get your FB notification pretty soon, so once you read this, please come get your disciplinary slip for the principals office. You’re about as good at getting busted as you are at failing math. Also, I see your friends with your parents. Maybe you should see what they think about you being on your phone during my class?
NICK: BUSTED LOL!!!!!!!!!
TINA: Mrs. Wallace, we are disconnecting his phone immediately and confiscating it from him when he gets home from school. I am so sorry.
Screw this job
BOB: Screw This Job!!!!
TOM: That’s fine. Screw your job then. I’ll give it to someone who doesn’t get on Facebook during work hours. Did you forget we are friends on here?
Describe me in one word
TINA: describe me in one work
The trouble with quotes on the Internet
DONNA: The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they’re genuine – Abraham Lincoln
JIM: How would Abraham Lincoln say that if he didn’t have Internet?
Mom, I hacked your Facebook
JOHNNY: hi mom i hacked your facebook
JOHNNY: lol u didn’t believe i could
MOM: What language is this? Drunken pirate? Wow. I’m really impressed…. now put me back to normal before i post naked baby pictures of you!
Can you pick up some jelly for me?
WIFE: Can you pick up sum jelly at the store?
HUSBAND: K Y?
WIFE: No Welch’s
HUSBAND: K, Y?
WIFE: I don’t want KY Jelly. I want jelly for sandwhiches.
HUSBAND: I was asking “OKAY, WHY?”. For god sake I never should have bought you ky jelly…
Bring another cart
HUSBAND: Just got to costco. Where are you?
WIFE: Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just wrote 1,000 words in one hour
TIM: I just wrote 1,000 words in one hour. Yay!
GREG: haha when u comin out
TIM: This weekend?
GRE: i knew you were gay…. did you tell your parents yet
She broke up with me using Backstreet Boy lyrics
LARRY: she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
DOUG: you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Can someone give me a Microsoft Office Suite pass key
CHRIS: Does anyone have an extra Microsoft Office suite pass key. I’m getting tired of open office.
CHRIS: that didn’t work
CHRIS: that didn’t work either! Lane, you are the worst hacker ever, especially for an Asian guy
19-year-old lost his Pokeman cards
PAUL: Hi partner. I lost my pokeman cards 🙁
DOUG: How old are you?
PAUL: 19 lol
DOUG: I know something you’ll never lose
DOUG: Your virginity
My F*&ling head hurts so F*&ling bad
JAMES J: my f*&ling head hurts so f*&ling bad
DEBRA J: James, please do not use that word on your Facebook. You have family who reads this, you don’t need to curse, just go take some Advil.
JAMES J: Whatever mom, I have had a bad day and im adult i can say whatever i want to on here
TOM J: sounds like your son has more than just a headache. It must be the wrong time of the month, why don’t you give him some of your midol?
Something to transport my piano
JOHN: Anyone have something so I can transport my piano?
RICK: You mean like 4 mexicans…
Lost one black cardigan
RON: Lost: one black cardigan!!
DOUG: Gained: your manhood
RANDY: Lights off, candles lit, Alica Keys playing softly on the stereo. bliss…
RICHARD: all you need now is a glass of chardonnay and a bubble bath so your transformation to a 30-year-old single woman can be complete
Why don’t guys say what’s on their minds?
WOMAN: Wonder why guys dont just say whats on their minds. It would make us girls lives a lot easier!
MAN: cause you’d get tired of hearing “boobs”
Sometimes you let go, sometimes you hold on tighter
TINA: Sometimes, the only option is to let go. But other times, the only option is to hold on tighter.
RICK: are you about to fart??
Stay away from that nasty herpatitus
DEBRA: UGH! girl with diabetes coughed on me in 7th period!
JENNA: Why is that bad? Does she have sine flue or something?
DEBRA: No she has diabetes the contagious kind, i think its like type b?
JENNA: I think you are thinking of herpatitus, i dont think diabetes is contagious
DEBRA: maybe I am. I have heard of herpatitus, that stuff sounds gross
CARL: You two are retarded.
Come on dude, change your Facebook password
DANNY: STOP SIGNING INTO MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT PAULINEEEEE FORGET MY PASSWORD JUST LIKE YOU FORGOT ABOT ME THE DAY YOU CHEATED ON ME
LIDIA: Danny, do you know you can change your password?
DANNY: i don’t no how
LIDIA: I’ll find out for you then I’ll email you in your inbox…
LIDIA: I just sent you a message in your inbox on how to do it honey… xxx
DANNY :done, password changed
LIDIA: Great… Don’t give it to anyone especially girlfriends or friends… Keep it to yourself honey like you do when you get a bank account
DANNY: OH LORD SHE KNOWS MY BANK PIN NUMBER TOOOOOO
We have the best staff ever
Boss: I have the best staff in the world.
Bob: I think Gandalf would beg to differ…
Source: Reddit (reddit.com)