More Funny Facebook and Twitter Statuses



Facebook_Logolives vicariously… through himself.

… once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

… ‘s reputation is expanding faster than the universe.

… is the most interesting man in the world.

… can speak French in Russian..


… is writing a paper called “Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection”

… is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

… notices that the longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and have only wasted my time debating any issue.

… is so amazing that if I went to a bar… I’d pick myself up!

… understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

… thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

… is just working here until a good fast food job opens up….

… sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

… pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

… thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

… thinks work is for people who don’t know how to fish!

… just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

… is thinking that this isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

… ‘s co-workers think he’s a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

… says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn’t say touch your nose.

… smells better than he tastes

… often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.

… has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?

… is modest and proud of it!

… says I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I’m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.

… had a brief but terrifying bout of sanity, but everything is back to normal now.

… is on strike! she will not be talking to anyone, until her demands are met. she wants a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk

… is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom…I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe…now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself……

Don’t you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

… is not scared of heights…. just widths!!!!

… is your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s sister’s uncle’s brother’s friend’s second cousin’s former roommate on your mothers side.

… is trying to stop being indecisive, but is not sure about it…

… has THOUGHT about getting out of bed… still thinking, still thinking…

… says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I’m just being paranoid.

I Don’t Like to Hear Myself Think!

… is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

… wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.’

… feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

… used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

… dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

… is cle’a] he’r ke]yb29oa;rd

… is wondering why his daughter’s diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

… is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

… is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

… is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'”

… is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

… is writing his final paper called “The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won’t Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum”

… doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it.

… is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

… thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.

How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.

… reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.

… , my friends, is indeed…. THAT man.

… ‘s charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.

… ‘s legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.

… was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them

… is a lover not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter so don’t get any ideas.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.

I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…

… never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”

… used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

… knows she’s bored when she has thoughts of what the cat would look like shaved !!

… is normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

… is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute

… would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

… is trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.

I’m actually quite pleasant until I’m awake

… is wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can’t they invent a self cleaning house?

… is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

… is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

… is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

… is interrupting Patrick Swayze’s death to say that Michael Jackson’s death was better.

… finds himself screaming for JOY when he sees himself in the mirror.

… thinking its funny how,When people talk to God, it’s called prayer. When God talks back, it’s called schizophrenia !!!

… will not be responsible for her actions if she doesn’t get some chocolate soon

Good morning…I see the assassins have failed.

… is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

People reckon I’m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

… is playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts

… says why is it that whenever there’s two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?

… is pretending that she doesn’t exist

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

… says people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

Apparently you have been misinformed, because the ONLY advantage you have over me is… you can “kiss my ass” and I cant…

… wonders if there is a cure for “dumbassness” if so, I know a few people who need a dose.

… was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

if you cant laugh at yourself, ill be happy to do it for you

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent


… says If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

All I heard was “I swear it’ll be funny” and then we were in jail.

“I like big butts and I can not lie.” – Some homeless guy sifting through an ashtray. —

I don’t mind coming to work but this 8 hour wait to go home is BS.

Need to file the baby’s fingernails more.  She keeps cutting her face.  People giving me funny looks.  I’d tell them the truth but then I’d be breaking the first rule of Baby Fight Club.

When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, “This may be the alcohol talking, but…” Trust me on this one.

If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven’t met enough people.

When I finally break up with my boyfriend I’m just going to yell “UNFOLLOW” and then walk away

Grandma, the words are very similar, but you “butt dialed” me. You didn’t booty call me.

Two Great Rules of Life  1. Never tell everything at once.

I like to write “Wake Up” on my To-Do list so I can start the day off accomplishing something.

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to “make good choices”.

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

… is thinking about doing something! Now just got to think what that something will be!!!

You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture

… doesn’t understand what the fascination is with Camping…You work hard all year to pay your Mortgage/Rent, only to spend your vacation pretending you’re Homeless

… thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

Hi. I am online right now. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t reply, it’s you.

When I was a kid we didn’t add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like crap but we liked it because we liked being not dead.

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.

Whenever I’m feeling hopeful for future generations, I squelch it by watching my children move their heads instead of their toothbrushes.

So how are you getting home this New Years? Police car or Ambulance?

I offered him a virgin margarita and he said he’d rather have a pro.

okay but when you get home you better call me… idk how were gunna get her pants off the telephone pole.

Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy’s motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she’s using you.

If my wife ends an argument with “Fine, do what you want!” I’m pretty sure the words “If you do, I’ll stab you in your sleep” are implied.

Had my son’s hearing tested because he’s always yelling. Turns out he’s just an asshole 🙁



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