Kulula – the funny airlines with a (sometimes dark) sense of humor

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Kulula  is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself  too seriously. Below we have a collection of funny flight-attendant and pilot announcements along with some hilarious pictures of Kulula’s beautiful airplanes.

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Funny Kulula South African airline plane

 

Kulula  is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the  in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more  entertaining. Here  are some real examples that have been heard or  reported:

On  a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit  where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard  time choosing, when a flight attendant  announced,
“People,  people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and  get in it!”

On  another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew,  the pilot said,
“Ladies  and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and  to enhance the appearance of your flight  attendants.”

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On  landing, the stewardess said,
“Please  be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to  have.”

“There  may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank  you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the  business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a  ride.”

As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big  fella. WHOA!”

After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the  Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight  announced,
“Please  take care when opening the overhead compartments because,  after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has  shifted.”

From  a Kulula employee:
“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port  Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab  into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every  other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one,  you probably shouldn’t be out in public  unsupervised.”

“In  the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will  descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and  pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling  with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If  you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your  favorite.”

“Weather  at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank  you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more  than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your  seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event  of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your  belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or  spouses..”

And  from the pilot during his welcome message:
“Kulula  Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard  on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are  thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s  fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight  attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard  on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy  and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really  had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight  Attendant said,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in  your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain  taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another  flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:  “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo  bounces us to the terminal.”

An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had  hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline  had a policy which required the first officer to stand at  the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a  “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of  his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers  in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart  comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little  old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sir,  do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why,  no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old  lady said,
“Did  we land, or were we shot down?”

After  a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant  came on with,
“Ladies  and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching  halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared  and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door  and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

Part  of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d  like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the  next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of  Kulula Airways.”

Heard  on a Kulula flight:
“Ladies  and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

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