25 Ways to Drive Your Roommate Crazy

Top 25 Ways To Drive Your Roommate Crazy

1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what
he/she is talking about.

2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same
room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.

3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your
turn.”

5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here
somewhere.”

6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t
belong.”

9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.

10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.

11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”

12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players.”

13. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer”.

14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate’s
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.

17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.

18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right
to know!”

19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It
had to be done.”

20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (“Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)

21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.

22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.

23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you’d like to have a conversation.

24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,”
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they’re stupid and they don’t know what
they’re talking about.

25 Signs You’re Getting Older

25 Signs You’re Getting Older

  1. Your potted plants stay alive.
  2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  3. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
  6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
  7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  9. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
  10. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  11. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
  13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
  15. Dinner and a movie “” the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  16. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
  17. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
  18. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  19. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho’s.
  20. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
  21. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  22. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

19 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa
suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last
payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :) “ Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, “For Santa.”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and
fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been
“trampled.” Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up
like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This
neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?”

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won’t shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get
your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.

3. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to
know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died”¦.” When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Julie
and I’m with Dodger & Peck Services”¦. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds
pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Julie!! Is this
really you? I can’t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
she could know you from.

7. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends”¦would
you be my friend?”

9. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood ““ chicken blood too?”

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.”
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a
complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Widget & Associates.” You: “Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too?
How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at
home,” say, “Yeah! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course”¦)

101 Ways to Be Annoying

101 Ways To Be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip”¦”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog “Dog.”

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
“astronaut training.”

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for “violating your airspace.”

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
“real hoot.”

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to
your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a “spider person.”

26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you “like it that way.”

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental
movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write “X ““ BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”
“What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until
physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains,
such as “Feliz Navidad,” the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each “a.”

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it,
announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…

  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
  • You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
  • Your home has more miles on it than your car.
  • Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
  • You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
  • You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
  • There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
  • You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
  • You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
  • Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
  • There is a wasp nest in your living room.
  • The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
  • You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
  • You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
  • Fewer than half of your cars run.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
  • Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
  • Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
  • Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
  • Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
  • You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
  • Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
  • You’re an expert on worm beds.
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
  • Your family tree does not fork.
  • The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
  • You haul more than U-Haul.
  • Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
  • There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
  • Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
  • Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
  • Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
  • The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
  • Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
  • Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
  • You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
  • Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
  • You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
  • Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
  • You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
  • You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
  • None of your shirts cover your stomach.
  • Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
  • The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
  • You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
  • You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  • Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • Bikers back down from your momma.
  • You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
  • Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
  • You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
  • You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
  • You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
  • You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
  • You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
  • Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
  • You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  • Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
  • In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
  • Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
  • You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
  • You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
  • You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
  • You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
  • Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  • You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  • You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
  • The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
  • Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
  • You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
  • You mow your lawn and find a car.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
  • You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

Friday Thoughts

Walking can add minutes to your life.. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them

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If you don’t forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really…. It’s true

Hanging on for dear life

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Missing Husband

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”