Super fast chickens

One day Ma an Pa were out for a Sunday drive.  They’re driving along at about 40 mph when Pa hears “cluck, cluck”.  He looks out the window and running beside the car is a chicken.  Pa increases his speed to 60 mph, looks out the window, and the hen is still running alongside the car, not even breaking a sweat.  Pa increases the speed of the car to 80 mph but then the chicken makes a sharp right hand turn into a long driveway.

Pa follows the chicken.  He pulls up outside an old house where there’s an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch.  He then notices that the chicken has three legs and there are hundreds just like her running around loose in the yard.

Pa asks the old man, “Are these your chickens?”

The old man replies, “They is.”

Pa asks, “Do you breed these chickens?”

The old man spits off the porch and says “I duz.”

Then Pa asks, “Why have they got three legs?”

The old man says, “One leg for me, one for ma, and one for the boy.”

“Oh, I see” says Pa.  Then he asks, “What do they taste like?”

The old man replies, “Wouldn’t know – we’ve never been able to catch one.”

Lab Monkey in the Wild

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.

“What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.”

The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why?  We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

In and Out Skunks

One day, two skunks named In and Out, asked their mother if they could go into a store and play. Their mother said yes, but only for an hour.

An hour later, only Out came back. Their mother said, “Out, you’d better go back in and find In.”

About 10 seconds later, Out comes back with In. Their mother asked how Out found In so quickly.

“Easy.” Out said. “In-stincts.”

Is that a baby in your stomach?

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”

She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

“Then why did you eat him?”

Try these smart pills son

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, ”What are these Pop?”

”They’re smart pills son,” said his father.

”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”

So he ate them and said, ”Yuck…these taste like poop!”

”See,” said his father, ”you’re already getting smarter!”

The kid with no ears

Little Johnny ‘s next door neighbors had a baby.  Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were concerned  that their son would have some wise crack to say about the baby with no ears so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or you are going to be in a lot of trouble when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand.  He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”.

The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.  Why… just look at his pretty little eyes….  Did his doctor say that he can see good?”

The Mother said “Why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has perfect 20/20 vision.”

Little Johnny said “Well, that’s a darn good thing, because he sure can’t wear any glasses!”

The smartest kid in the class

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess.

The first kid said “Uh, 14?

“No,” the teacher said.

The second kid said “3.8”

“Not quite” the teacher said.

Finally the third kid said “That’s easy, 4”

“Yes, you all get recess now”.

At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said “It’s all about the Kidneys!” as he pointed to his head.

You’re not as smart as you think

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.   This process of natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

But it sure looks like plastic

An attorney walked into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.  He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.”  Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.  “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is.  Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”