An Offer I can’t Refuse

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

My Dog did What?

A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

How to Take a Shower like a Man

Steps to taking a shower like a man:

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
  4. Scratch your butt
  5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
  6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
  7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  8. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  9. Pee.
  10. Rinse off and get out of shower.
  11. Partially dry off.
  12. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
  13. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
  14. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
  15. Throw wet towel on bed.

Things Women say that Drive Men Crazy

Here’s a look at 10 things women say that drive men nuts.

1) “That looks cute.”

For the most part, men hate cute. We don’t want to hear about it, we don’t want to see it, and we sure as hell don’t want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there’s a 100 percent chance we’re changing. We’re supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

2) “We need to talk.”

These four words shut off a man’s brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

3) “It’s just a game.”

Actually, it’s not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it’s life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn’t make sense, but you should be happy that we’re that passionate about something. Telling us that “it’s just a game” is like us telling you that Oprah’s just a talk show host.

4) “Nothing’s wrong.”

Please don’t tell us nothing’s wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We’re not mind readers; tell us what’s going on. And don’t make us guess because—believe me—you won’t like what we come up with.

5) “I sound like my mom.”

The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don’t say it, even in jest—it’s not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying “every woman ends up looking like their mother” is an old wives’ tale. If we didn’t, no one would ever get married.

6) “I just want to be friends.”

No you don’t. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don’t prolong the agony. Most of us take “I just want to be friends” as “There’s still a chance,” so if there isn’t just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.

7) “Size doesn’t matter.”

Don’t lie to us. We know it does, and we’re doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It’s best just to not say anything at all.

8) “What are you wearing?”

We’re wearing whatever’s clean or whatever you tell us to. We don’t plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

9) “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it’s best to just pretend nothing happened.

10) “Which outfit do you like better?”

I’m going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They’re going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.

Why Men should not Shop

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION – WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

Patti Barber, Office Supervisor I Accounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services

The Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with the best body.

Because I am a Man

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it…though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…. like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Point Guide to the Make Women Happy Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.  You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here’s a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It’s her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)

And the pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Lotus (-10)

With a personalized license plate “GR8 N BED” (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called DeathCop3 (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say “I don’t give really care because you have one too” (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

Diary of a stay at home Dad

This week I am at home and playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds……

What a waste of effort, we’re only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.

Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard…….

It snowed last night, I don’t see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?

Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners…….

Duhh I’m on vacation I don’t need them.

Scratch three.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet…….

Uhhhh that’s a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.

Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor…..

The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.

Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do…..

That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.

Scratch six.

7). Vacuum the carpets……

That’s a hard one…….

Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.

Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch…..

Hey kids, don’t you have a friends house to go too?

YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet……

Hmmmm another hard one. That’s it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.

Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry…..

no problem I can do that while I’m on the computer

Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry…..

Dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.

Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away….

Baskets in bedrooms work for me.

Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree…

Oop’s!… good thing the carpet is absorbent.

Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper…….

These old newspapers will do, besides, that’s recycling & that’s good for the earth….

Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ……

Yeah right; we’re talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.

They’ll be back. Scratch fifteen.

16). Make dinner…..

Easy, “Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow”.

Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house……

Duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.

Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for a nap….. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they’re working.  Wish I was a chick !

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men

Here are much more politically correct descriptions for men and their actions.

He does not have a BEER GUT.

He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.

He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.

He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.

He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.

He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.

He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.

He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.

He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.

He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.

He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.