Anyone seen my watch?

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic.  All you care about is your possessions.  I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Wanted Dead or Alive

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

The Rude Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, ‘You stay out of this mister!  I’m talking to that little twerp on your lap!’

The Husband Store for Impossible Women

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.  “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.”  So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

Hello? Can I have the Moon?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: “Hello?”

Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It’s only $1,000.  Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?”

Man: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.

I want you to be happy.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models.  I saw one that I really liked.  It’s a beautiful silver.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$60,000”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman:”Great! Oh, and just one more thing… the house we wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $950,000.”

Man: “Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000.”

Woman: “Okay. Thank you darling — you’re wonderful!  I’ll see you later!  I love you!”

Man: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.   Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Where should I park my car?

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast.  They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have eight to 10 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park… ”

Then the electric power goes out.  Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”  With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?”

The Irish vs. the French

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland.  I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?”

Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.  Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!  We have managed to get ourselves airborne!   We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.  My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.  “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy!   I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy.  “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no freakin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.”