The Bus Driver

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.  The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, “What the heck is going on up here?  We’re having a grand time downstairs!”  One of the blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”

Computer in Spanish

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are not genderless but are designated as either masculine or feminine.  House for instance, is feminine: la casa and Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.

A student then asked, What gender would a computer be?  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into a male and female group, and asked each group to decide for themselves as to whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.   Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because: A. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;  B. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;  C. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and finally D. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should definitely be masculine, ‘el computador, because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;   3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Real world court exchanges

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

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6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

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8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

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9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: What do you think?

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10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

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16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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19. ATTORNEY:  Have you lived in this town all your life?

WITNESS: Not yet.

Blonde Questions and Answers

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

The magic mirror

Once upon a time, there was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.   If you told a lie, the mirror would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world’ and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said ‘I think…’ and it sucked her in.

Give her another chance

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren’t dumb.

They asked anyone that passed by, “Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we’re not dumb.”

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.

She got up on the car with the man and the man asked: “What is the first month of the year?”

The blonde responded: “November?”

“Nope,” said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

So the man asked: “What is the capital of the U.S.A ?”

The blonde responded: “Paris?”

So the crowd began chanting again: “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

The man said: “Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?”

The blonde replied: “Two?”

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance.” screamed the crowd.

Chased by a Vampire

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to see her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quietly) So… what did you see in this dream?

Blonde: I was running down a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

Blonde: It said “Pull”

The 500 Dollar Question

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.  The lawyer leans over to the blond and asks her if she would like to play a fun game to pass the time.  The blonde just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer, persistent, tells the blonde that the game is really easy and a lot of fun to play.  He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.  If you know the answer to the question, I pay you $5.”

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries again to grab a few winks.  The lawyer, refusing to give up, says “Okay, if you don’t know the answer to the question then you pay me $5 but if I don’t know the answer to the question, I will pay you $500!”  Figuring that since she is a blonde, he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  “What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”  The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it over to the lawyer.

The blonde’s turn, she asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down the hill with four?”  The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He hooks into the airplane’s WiFi network and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated, he send email to all his coworkers and friends.  All to no avail.  After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Eighty Eight Bam

A brunette standing along side a busy road chanting “88, 88, 88, 88…”   A blonde walked up to her and said, “that looks like fun, can I try?” The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, “88, 88, 88, 88..”

“Well,” said the brunette, “this is fun but what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street!” So the blonde said “OK” and stood in the middle of the street. “88, 88, 88, 88-” BAM! she was run over by a car, flattened as flat as a pancake.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, “89, 89, 89, 89..