- “There are only two industries that refer to their customers as “˜users’.” ““ Edward Tufte
- “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.” – Rick Cook
- “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” ““ Seymour Cray
- “Lisp isn’t a language, it’s a building material.” – Alan Kay.
- “Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.” – Edward V Berard
- “They don’t make bugs like Bunny anymore.” – Olav Mjelde.
- “A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.” – Alan J. Perlis.
- “A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.” – Waldi Ravens.
- “I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.” – Bjarne Stroustrup
- “Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter.” – Eric S. Raymond
- “Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” – Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
- “I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.” – Oktal
- “Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like.” – pixadel
- “Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline.” – Bill Clinton
- “The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.” – E.W. Dijkstra
- “There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” ““ Jeremy S. Anderson
- “Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.”- Blair Houghton
- “In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of ‘Spaghetti code’ is, of course, ‘Lasagna code’. (Too many layers).” – Roberto Waltman.
- “FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed “” it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.” – Alan J. Perlis.
- “For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.” – Bill Bryson
- “In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.” – Blair P. Houghton.
- “When someone says: ‘I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done’, give him a lollipop.” – Alan J. Perlis
- “The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.” – Ron Sercely
- “Good design adds value faster than it adds cost.” – Thomas C. Gale
- “Python’s a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck.” – Cory Dodt
- “Talk is cheap. Show me the code.” – Linus Torvalds
- “Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupry
- “C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.” – Dennis M. Ritchie.
- “In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not.” – Yoggi Berra
- “You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.” – Jim McCarthy
- “PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.” – Jon Ribbens
- “Programming is like kicking yourself in the face, sooner or later your nose will bleed.” – Kyle Woodbury
- “Perl ““ The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.” – Keith Bostic
- “It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.” – Larry Wall
- “I invented the term ‘Object-Oriented’, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.” – Alan Kay
- “Learning to program has no more to do with designing interactive software than learning to touch type has to do with writing poetry” – Ted Nelson
- “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
- “The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability.” – Randall E. Stross
- “If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, “˜We’re sorry, here’s a coupon for two more.’ ” – Mark Minasi
- “Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.” – Donald E. Knuth.
- “Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success.” – Tom DeMarco
- “I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!” – Vidiu Platon.
- “Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.” – Christopher Thompson
- “Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.” – Bill Gates
- “Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.” – Brian W. Kernighan.
- “People think that computer science is the art of geniuses but the actual reality is the opposite, just many people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of mini stones.” – Donald Knuth
- “First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.” – George Carrette
- “Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” – Larry Wall
- “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” – Alan Kay
- “Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more “˜user-friendly'”¦ Their best approach so far has been to take all the old brochures and stamp the words “˜user-friendly’ on the cover.” ““ Bill Gates
- “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” – Seymour Cray
- “To iterate is human, to recurse divine.” – L. Peter Deutsch
- “On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” – Charles Babbage
- “Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.” – Linus Torvalds
- “Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.” – Martin Golding
- “There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.” – C.A.R. Hoare
- They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.” – Janet Reno
- “If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” – Robert X. Cringely
- “Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by “˜they’, I mean “˜computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)” – Dave Barry
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
- On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
- Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
- On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
- On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
- On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning. Keep out of children.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
- On Sainsbury’s Peanuts Warning: contains nuts.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
The following are real-world advertisements:
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Semiannual After-Christmas sale.
- 3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to “10”³.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen
you in so long!”¦” etc. See if they play along to avoid
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk,
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re
taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,””¦I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any
31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him “ I
need some tampons!!”
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible “sex and candy”
52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.
53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.
59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and
women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.
60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with
62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.
64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don’t realize it!
70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73. In the food aisle, pretend like there’s a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to
people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.
77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don’t know you.
78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your
80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
“Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say
“Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you
say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me” Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.
84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
“multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: “Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)” “Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)” Etc.
85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away
as fast as your can.
88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men’s department.
91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn
92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little
attention” Then run away crying.
93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just
94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
“NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say “I”¦will start”¦a fire”¦” The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t
light the zippo, just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun”. Then walk away.
97. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!!!” Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then
walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy.
98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get
paid enough to do this”
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
10.He’s got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls “elves”.
8. He’s got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
7. He loves getting mail.
6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn’t exist.
5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
red suit doesn’t hold a pocket protector.
10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!
1) thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2)thou shall not do drugz (you can break this one, it not that important)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (walmart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not run naked through the school. (hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and frustrated women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends, who are equally tired and frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping. Remember – this chain brings luck. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.
Funny Medical Quotes
The things that medical staff write in reports. The following are true excerpts from the medical reports of a UK hospital.
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
- When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Many preschoolers got several correct answers. Most adult got them all wrong. Send this out to frustrate all of your friends