We Ain’t Got No Gators Around Here

While sports fishing just off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.  He could swim but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.  Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “They ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe the tourist started swimming leisurely towards the shore.  About halfway there, he asked the beachcomber who was observing him from shore. “How did you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the man responded.

“Wow,” saaid the tourist. “You mean they just stopped coming around?”

“No,” the beachcomber responded, “The sharks got ’em.

I’m Gonna Freeze the Attitude Out of That Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.   Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.  Noting worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then suddenly there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Say liver and cheese and you can have me

A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog walk into a bar for a drink. A great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.”

The collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.”

The collie says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone… cheese mine.”

The mathematical dog

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender says, “All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?”

The dog says, “34.”

“Wow,” says the bartender and hands over the  $5 note.

Then the man says to the bartender, “Don’t let  my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.”  He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he’s in the toilet.

The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, “If you’re so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet.   He asks the bartender where the dog is.

The bartender says, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The man if very upset that the bartender let the dog leave.  He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You’ve never done this before.”

The dog says, “I’ve never had $5 before either.”

What type of snake are we?

Two snakes were slithering through the woods and talking one day.  The first one said, “Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they’re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?”

The second Snake says “Why do you ask?”

The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”

Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows,

“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till he looks like a flat corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –

“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

Baby turtle can fly

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.  About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.  He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch,leaping towards the ground below.  On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb back up the tree again.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

Lab Monkey in the Wild

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.

“What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.”

The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why?  We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

The amazing hamster

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”