The following are collection of (supposedly) true announcements made on some of the more humorous national airlines.
Attention ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your personal comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
As the plane landed and was coming to a particularly hard stop on the runway , a calm, but authoritative voice came over the loudspeaker commanding: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing at the airport, the flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we can be pretty damn sure everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is balmy 50 degrees with some broken clouds – but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive at the gate. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Grand Dragon Airlines.
Remember, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device. In the event of an emergency landing, you may use the seat cushions to paddle safely to shore and by all means, take them with our compliments.
A flight attendant’s announcement after a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a particularly rough landing, the attendant announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”
We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Grand Dragon Airways.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and approached their boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I began working in the warehouse 18 years ago. Is there anything you could do to help me?”
“Of course, my son”, said Jesus, and when he touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in many years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses with eyesight so bad he could barely see to drive, asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything in crystal clear, vivid colors.
Jesus turned to the union worker, who was bent over and rubbing his knee, and moved towards the man to heal him. The union man threw up his hands up and cried, “No, don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”
A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking scratching his chin and looking altogether confused.
“Need some help?” asked a secretary who was walking by.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“Simple,” she said, taking the stack or report papers from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
“Thanks,” he said, “but where do the copies come out?”
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”
Without further hesitation, here are the Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires (list made shortly after the infamous Firestone safety lawsuits).
10. “Safer than a Russian sub.”
9. “The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.”
8. “Because there’s a lot riding on your lawsuit.”
7. “Better than driving around on your axles, right?”
6. “Pop a set on your car today.”
5. “C’mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?”
4. “Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit.”
3. “Hey, it’s not like we crashed our blimp or something.”
2. “Best Blow Job In Town’
1. “You can’t recall a better tire.”
Corporate mergers are quite common. Often when companies merge, they use a combination of their company names to form an entirely new company name. The following are possible mergers and Funny Grins’ suggestion for what the new company could be named.
Fairchild Electronics & Honeywell Computers = Fairwell Honeychild.
Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, & Keebler = Poly- Warner-Cracker.
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, & Hale Business Systems = Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Intel, Yahoo, & Netscape: = Net’n’Yahoo relocated to InTel Aviv.
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I’m Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Crabtree and Evelyn & Apple Computer = Crab Apple
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da