Funny Churchill and George Bernard Shaw Telegrams

Winston Churchill was renowned for his witty sense of humor and George Bernard Shaw was no slouch in that department either.  George Bernard Shaw playfully telegrammed Winston Churchill just prior to the opening of his new play, Major Barbara, offering Churchill tickets to the show.  The telegrams went as follows:

Shaw to Churchill: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

Churchill’s response: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”


Funny snappy answers to stupid questions

A collection of funny, snappy, one-line comebacks to the stupid questions people frequently ask.

Q: Is that a new haircut?

A: No, there’s a dial on my back that makes it longer or shorter

A: It’s my new merkin, did they fit it incorrectly?

A: Actually, it’s my sister’s but I liked it so much I stole it from her.


Q: Is that your car?

A: No, it’s my stupid person killing machine. Would you stand right there for just one more second please.

A: No, it’s my personal time machine.  When I push this pedal here on the floor, 10 minutes later it transports me somewhere else.

A: No, it’s the grand prize award for the smartest person I meet today.  Could you excuse me, I need to talk to the guy standing behind you.


Q: Is this your school?

A: No, it’s my home and these are my two thousand brothers and sisters.  Would you like to come in and meet them?

A: No, it’s he city’s school.  If it were my school it would have rides and animals.

A: No, it’s Santa’s workshop and we’re his little elves.


Q: Changing a flat tire?

A: No, I just believe in rotating the tires every day out here in the middle of nowhere.

A: No, I’m a tire thief.

A: Oh crap, this is the tire?  I was trying to change the oil.

A: No, the car is too high so I decided to lower it a few inches.


Q: [To the receptionist in the doctor’s office] Are there many people ahead of me in line?

A: No, they’re all just here to read the old magazines.

A: Not if they all die before the doctor gets to them.

A: Not if your appointment is for tomorrow.


Q: You’re so nice, why aren’t you married?

A: Because the only people I know are fools like you.

A: I’m opposed to dental hygiene for religious purposes; that makes it hard to find a girl.

A: Actually I’m not single, my girlfriend just doesn’t know who I am yet.

A: What, and give up the joy of constantly asking women for a date?


Q: Is that your dog [sitting in your lap]?

A: No, this is my neighbor’s dog.  My dog is in my neighbor’s lap.

A: No, it’s my wife Selma showing her appreciation for the fur coat I just bought her.

A: No, it’s a hairy hot water bottle.


Q: [One kid asking another kid] Is that your mother?

A: No, just some lady I adopted because I desperately needed to be criticized, abused, and emotionally rejected.

A: No, it’s my father.  My mother dresses even funnier.

A: No, my girl friend.  I go for older women.


Q: [to an obviously pregnant woman] Are you going to have a baby?

A: No, a full-grown up.  Babies require too much care.

A: No, I’m a shoplifter and my dress is stuffed with stolen stuff.

A: No, I swallowed a balloon and every time I take a breath it gets larger.


Q: [in a story with clocks clearly visible] Do you carry clocks?

A: Clocks? Clocks? Could you describe what one looks like?

A: No, I used to but they were just too heavy so now I just wear watches.

A: No, all we have are these silly round things with numbers and hands.


Q: [to a man with an armful of firewood] Are you going to build a fire?

A: No, a nest.  I need someplace to lay my eggs.

A: No, I’m going to build a two hundred story building out of twigs.

A: No, it’s just that I can’t stand a sloppy forest so I thought I’d pick up a little here and there.


Q: [to the receptionist in the optometrist office] Would you like to get your eyes examined?

A: What a silly question, driver.  Now, when does this bus leave for Newark?

A: No, I’d like a pound of chopped liver.  I get my eyes examined in the delicatessen.

A: No, I’d like my head examined for picking an optician who asks stupid questions.


Q: [to a surrendering army holding up their white flags] Do you give up?

A: No, we’re signalling with these flags to see if YOU give up.

A: No, we’re starting our own country and testing out our new national flag.

A: No, we’ve been doing a lot of crying lately and this is how we dry out our hankies.


Q: Did the garlic give me bad breath?

A: No, I always turn green this time of the day.

A: This is no time to discuss such trivial matters when our country is under a gas attack.

A: I hope so.  Otherwise you’re dead and decomposing.


Q: [Couple watching two people making out in a restaurant] Are they making out?

A: No, they’re wrestling over who should pay the check.

A: No, he’s giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation.

No, they’re sharing a stick of gum.


Q: [To person listening to radio held to their head] Are you listening to that radio?

A: No, I’m listening to the ocean’s roar on this transistorized seashell.

A: No, I stole this thing and I’m trying to hide it in my ear.

A: No, there’s music coming out of my head and I’m trying to capture it on this tape recorder.


Q: [Gas station attendant asking customer] Do you need gas?

A: No, I need a place to park.  Mind if I leave it here by this gas pump for the day?

A: No, I won two shares of Exxon stock and I just thought I’d drop in to see how we’re doing.

A: No, I’ve got gas.  Do you have any alka-seltzer?


Q: Are you going to fly that kite?

A: No, I’m going to plug my portable radio into an electrical storm.

A: No, I wet a ball of twine and this is the only way I could think of to dry it out.

A: No, when I fly, I prefer an airplane.


Q: [to man carrying a chair] Are you going to sit over there?

A: No, after hauling this chair all the way over here I’m gong to sit on the floor.

A: No, just my bottom half will.  My top half will sit back there.

A: Shhhh… Not so loud.  I’m stealing this chair.


Q: [To person with messy hair] Did you brush your hair this morning?

A: Yes, with a rake.

A: Yes, but then this bird came along and built this nest on my head.

A: My todo list this morning was brush teeth, brush hair, and kill the first person that asks me a stupid question.  I knew I was forgetting something.


Q: [from a person where calendar is obviously available] What day is this?

A: This is Friday.  But we like Tuesday so much we keep it all week.

A: This is our luck day meeting someone as observant and intelligent as you.

A: It’s “National Stupid Questions Day” and you win first prize.


Q: Are you the babysitter?

A: No, I’m the twelve year old mother of these kids.

A: No, I’m the babystander – think these monsters would let anybody sit for a minute?

A: No, I’m Snowwhite and these are three of my dwarfs.


Q: [to a person looking under the hood of their car] Having trouble?

A: No, I’m taking a shave with the fan blade of this car.

A: No, I’m sick and too shy to throw up in public?

A: No, I’m a hood ornament.


Q: [to a person standing in line at the movies] Going to the movies?

A: No, I was just standing here minding my own business when this crazy lien formed all around me.

A: No, I got sick and tired of the people I know so I decided to hand out with a new crowd.

A: No, I’m going to the bank but I’m too embarrassed to break through this line.


Q: [obviously to a red haired kid] Where did you get your red hair?

A: My mother is a pink flamingo.

A: I stand on my head a lot and the blood stains my hair.

A: I eat two hundred carrots every day.


Q: [to a customer in the ice cream shop] Do you need a spoon?

A: No, I’ll wait until it melts and then drink it.

A: No, I need two slices of bread.  I meant to order an ice cream sandwich.

A: No, I need a memo pad.  I want to make a note of the superb service in this place.


Q: [to a person in a bathtub] Are you taking a bath?

A: No, I’m going to leave it right here where I found it.

A: No, I’m going down with a sinking ship. Throw me a lifeline!

A: No, I have a weak bladder.


Q: [in a pizza restaurant] Can I order a pizza?

A: You probably could but I can already tell you that they don’t listen very well.

A: Oh, I’m sorry sir, these aren’t pizzas.  They’re our newest invention – edible frisbees.  Stand right that and I’ll throw one at, er, to you.

A: Don’t worry about it, everyone makes that mistake. This sign should read “Pizza Ship”.  Would you like to purchase a ticket?


Q: [to the toll booth operator at the tollway exit] Is this exit 81?

A: Sorry sir, I don’t know how old this exit is.  I’m 32 if that’s any help.

A: No, that big sign with “81” on it is for keeping count of how many stupid questions I get asked in a day.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to put up an 82 now.

A: No, you have to take a number to get out and we’re up to 81 now.


Q: [to a person in hell] Hot enough for you?

A: No, but don’t change it just for me.  The others may like it this way.

A: I really can’t tell.  I think everything below my neck has melted.

A: Hot?  You call this hot?  It’s plain to see you’ve never been in a New York subway during a summer rush hour.


Q: [to the prince that’s been turned into a frog] Would you like me to turn you back into a prince?

A: What?  And give up this terror ridden swamp for a life of ease and security?  Are you out of your mind?

A: No.  Princes are a dime a dozen. But how many talking frogs do you know?

A: No, I’d rather you changed into a frog.


Q: [to a genie coming out of a bottle] Are you a genie?

A: No, I’m just an ordinary everyday type person who happens to enjoy living in an oil lamp.

A: No, I’m a salesman for Air India.

A: No, I’m a brown tornado.


Q: [to a person fighting a dragon] Are you fighting that dragon?

A: No, I’m fighting nausea.  Did you ever get a good whiff of fire and brimstone?

A: What dragon?  It’s a playful little lizard, right?  Or have I got my bi-focals on upside down again?

A: No, I’m just trying to get a light for my cigar.


Q: [to a man playing a tuba] Is that a tuba?

A: No, it’s a new type of inconspicuous hearing aid.

A: No, I was having stomach trouble so they replaced my insides with these brass guts.

A: No, it’s a python.  Stick your head in its mouth and it’ll say something to you.


Q: [to a barber in a barbershop] Is there a barber in here?

A: No, I carry these scissors everywhere I go because they’ve made those potato chip packages so damn hard to open these days.

A: No, I carry these scissors and razors everywhere I go because I’m a serial killer.  Sit right here in this chair and I’ll chop off your head.

A: No, these are magic scissors that trim ignorance off of people.  Hang on a sec, I think I’d better sharpen them before we start working on you.


Q: [to a kid making mudpies] Are you making mudpies?

A: No I’m tapping a new food source for the world’s starving millions.

A: No, I’m making artificial flowers and wondering how a corsage would look on you.

A: No, I’m panning for dirt.


Q: Is this seat taken?

A: No, as far as I can tell, it’s still there.

A: Of course.  The invisible man is sitting in it.

A: No.  Apparently nobody wants to sit next to a guy with cooties.


Q: Would you like me to light that cigarette for you?

A: No, my nose – I’m trying to cut down on smoking.

A: No, this is my subtle way I point without using my finger.  Right now I’m pointing at an idiot.

A: No, light the flame in my heart you quick-witted perceptive man of action you.


Q: [to the man in the driveway washing his car] Washing the car today?

A: No, I need a bigger car, and I’m hoping I can get it to grow if I water it enough.

A: No, I’ve always wanted a compact and I’m hoping it will shrink when it dries.

A: No, there are two newlyweds inside who can’t afford a honeymoon at Niagara Falls.


Q: [to a man pinned against a car by a big dog] You’re not afraid of dogs are you?

A: No, but you’d better call him off.  I”m afraid my bad breath might offend him.

A: Or course not.  It’s been my lifelong ambition to become a gourmet meal for a St. Bernard.

A: Dogs, no.  But where id you get this horse?


Q: [to a man in the middle of a bank robbery] What are you up to Buddy?

A: Box #106.  Why?

A: I’m up to my  ears in trouble.  That’s what I’m up to.

A: I’m up too late.  If I’d gone to be early, I’d have been much better off.


Q: [to a man returning a car he just purchased] Having problems with your car?

A: Problems?  Oh, you mean that trail of parts the car leaves wherever I go?  That’s no problem.  That’s a marvelous help when I have to find my way home again.

A: Not yet, but after I kill you for selling me this lemon, I will have.

A: No, I enjoy people shouting “get a horse” at me.


Q: [from a doctor entering the surgery room about to perform surgery] OK, where’s the patient?

A: Right here wondering where you leave your seeing eye dog when you operate, Doctor.

A: The patient jumped out the window.  I’m here because of the hotel room shortage.

A: Take a guess.  If you’re right, you get to play “Territory” on my stomach.


Q: [ to a golf partner] Does my talking bother you?

A: Of course not.  How else can I bring my game up from a lousy 80 to a magnificent 190?

A: Oh, no.  The more you talk, the more shots I miss.  And the more shots I miss, the longer I get to pay my favorite game.

A: Not nearly as much as the fact that when you talk it means you’re still alive.


Q: [from the waiter in a restaurant] Would you like something to eat?

A: No, I satisfy my hunger by watching others eat.

A: What, and waste my lunch our?

A: Eat?  Oh, my goodness, then this is NOT the public library?


Q: [to a man who has fallen overboard] Need help?

A: No, I’m practicing for the Olympic drowning team.

A: No, I think I can swallow this ocean all by myself.

A: Yes, I’ve lost count.  Would you let me know when I’ve gone down for the third time?


Q: Is it cold out?

A: Is WHAT cold out?

A: No, I’ve taken a job at an ice plant and I thought I’d bring my work home with me.

A: No, it’s a balmy 20 degrees below zero.


Q: [to a father that looks just like his son] Is this your son?

A: No, it’s my Saint Bernard.  My son looks more like a Collie.

A: No, we’re identical twins born twenty-five years apart.

A: No, my wife.  They say married couples start to look alike after many years of living together.


Q: Are you brushing your teeth?

A: No, I’m trying to commit suicide by flushing myself down the drain.

A: No, I couldn’t find a washcloth so I’m doing the dishes with my head.

A: No, I’m licking the sink clean.


Q: So, did you bring the rain with you?

A: Rain? Why yes I did. I had some extra room in my suitcase and thought I might as well pack some rain.

A: Rain? Of course I brought the rain. My favorite pastime is watching these drivers “test their brakes” every ten feet or so; particularly the ones I’m driving directly behind.

A: Rain? Yeah, sorry about that. But sunshine will kill me. I’m sure you understand.

A: Rain? Damn, you found me out. It’s all part of Bob and my grand scheme to make hair frizz the next big thing.

A: Rain? Well to be honest I found your rain a bit…well, trampy. So I had some more sophisticated rain brought in from New York. You don’t mind, do you?

A: Rain? Crap, I ordered locusts. I knew that website didn’t seem to be on the up-and-up…

A: Rain? You mean…that’s not God crying because of something I did? I’m going to kill my brother.


Q: [to lady at the information desk] Are you information?

A: No, I’m lonely and this is the only way I can get to meet people.

A: For information, try encyclopedias, third floor.

A: Are you trying to stump me?


Q: Shall I pour more coffee in your cup?

A: No, in my mouth.  Why make extra dishes to wash?

A: No, just hold that pose while I get my oil paints and capture this moment forever.

A: No, in my lap.  It’s a little chilly in here.


Q: Are you growing a moustache?

A: No, I just have long flowing nose hairs.

A: No, it’s my pet caterpillar.

A: No, I’m growing a lip brow.


Q: Why are you letting those dandelions take over your lawn?

A:”I harvest dandelion greens and sell them as a gourmet salad ingredient. I make dandelion wine from the blossoms and sell that, too. It’s a good second income.


Q: You’ve got a panel missing in your wood fence?

A: What, that? That’s a cat door. When our cat wants to visit over at the neighbor’s, it’s much safer having her go through the fence than using the road.


Q: That looks interesting. Is that your lunch?

A: No, it’s leftover breakfast.

A: Yes, and I made extra for you, seeing you ask me on a daily basis what I eat.

A: It was, but I have an inability to eat any food if someone asks what it is.

A: It is a science experiment. Please step away. You’re infecting my laboratory with your presence.


Q: Where did you get that accent?

A: There was a buy one, get one free special at the supermarket.

A: From my mother’s womb.

A: I think it was from Accents for Dummies.

A: Melbourne, Florida.


Q: Are you ever going to clean the leaves out of your gutter?

Answer: Huh?  You mean my “aerial compost system”?


Funny insults

Sometimes you just gotta put ’em in their place.  Here’s a collection of funny, one-line insults to get you started.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

His teeth are brighter than he is.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s impossible to believe that the sperm that created you beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell.

You may have a “full six-pack” but lack the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Your set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.

You’re depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Were I king I would not allow you to breed.

You seem to have reached rock bottom and started to dig.

Buddy, I’d call you gay but I’m afraid you’ll hit me with your purse.

I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying

Your wife said she like seafood so I gave her crabs.

If you ever become a mother can I have one of the puppies?

Well, the call it PMS because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here!

I used to think you were a big pain in the neck.  Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

Ah, somebody got up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Ah, looks like the gene pool could use a little bit of chlorine.

You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Give up buddy, you’ll never be the man your mother is.

You’re so old I’ll bet you remember when the Dead Sea was just feeling a little ill.

You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

I heard when you went to the doctor and told him you wanted a wart removed he threw you out of the office.

Your village just called. They’re missing an idiot.


Snappy Answers to Men’s Stupid Questions

Women see the same stupid questions from men all the time.  Below are snappy answers to those stupid questions men all-so-often ask.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.


Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?


Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.


Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”

Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”


Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”

Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”


Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”

Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”