A man is visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother. He places the flowers on the grave and is walking back towards his car when he notices another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man was touched and decided to approach him. “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever encountered before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Three women die together in an automobile accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. And although they try their best to avoid them, one of the women accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.” The next day, a second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together, too.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, But I stepped on a duck.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed, “What’s the bad news?”.
With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”
A man who hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time, went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you sir,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left to live.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How must time have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten what?!”
Before he can finish his sentence, the doctor interrupts, “Nine…”
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
“Why Bloomingdales?” asked the rabbi.
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy catches his breath, then says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the jerk who pushed me in the pool!”
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically told the funeral home that she wanted him buried in his favorite blue suit. She was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!