We’re Gonna Skin You and Make a Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe.  The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.”  The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.”  The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.”  The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.  The chief is appalled, and screams, “What are you doing???”  The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe!”

Compile our Family History – but Leave George Out of It

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition.  Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower.  They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.  They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.  They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.  The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared.  It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

At his funeral you must say my brother was a saint

There were two evil brothers.  They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.  They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect religionists.   Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.  Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.   All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

“I have only one condition,” he said.  “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.  “He was an evil man,” he said.  “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:   “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Dearest Wife, just checked in

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: “DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.”