Top Ten Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or While Using a Public Bathroom

Here are Funny Grins top ten suggestions for guys playing golf (or while using a public bathroom).

10. Keep back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart

9. Form a loose grip

8. Keep your head down

7. Avoid a quick backswing

6. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to take their shot

5. Stay out of the water

4. Try not to hit anyone

3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you

2. Don’t stare while others address their balls

1. Don’t let anyone see you take those extra strokes!

My Exercise Philosophy

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life.  This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She’s now 97, and we have no idea where she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

If God meant for us to touch our toes, He would have put them further up on our bodies.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

Baseball and the symphony

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth.   In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.   Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string.  It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.   About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

Nuts at the old ballgame

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.  For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands, and when the day of the game arrived everything went very well… at first.

As the National Anthem started the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts,” and the patients complied, all standing up.  After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts,” and they all sat back down in their seats.  After a home run was hit the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts.”  They all broke into applause and cheered.  When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts,” and they all began booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their responses, the doctor decided to go get a coke and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge of his patients.  When he returned there was a near riot in progress, people screaming and cursing.

Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, “What happened?”

His assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine, Doc, until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”