Holidays
Early Christmas Shopping should be a Crime
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
The defendant replied, “Before the store opened.”
More Christmas Questions to Ponder
What does Frosty eat for lunch?
Ice-“berg”-ers!
What kind of mug does a snowman use for lunch?
A Frosted One!
What does Frosty like to put on his icebergers?
Chilly sauce!
What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A “brrr” – “grrr”!
Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake?
Because snow man’s an island!
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder!
What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill!
What can bite & nip at your toes but has no teeth?
Frost!
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a shark?
Frost bite!
Who are Frosty’s parents?
Mom and Pop-Sicle!
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What does Frosty’s wife put on her face at night?
Cold cream!
What does Frosty eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes! (or was that “Frosted Flakes”?)
Where do Frosty and his wife go to dance?
Snowballs!
What does Frosty the Snowman wear on his head?
An ice cap!
Where does Frosty keep his money?
In a “Snow”-bank! (it is cold cash after all!)
What did the police officer say when he saw Frosty stealing?
“Freeze!”
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-man!
What does Frosty call ice?
Skid stuff!
What did Frosty call his cow?
Eskimoo!
What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”?
A mistle-“toad”!
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed Mrs. Claus’ yarn?
She had mittens!
What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
This year even the toys are stressed out!
Yeah, they come already wound up!
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he’s always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a “bar humbug”!
What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!
Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?
Ig-“glue”!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange “hello’s” with strangers and “good buy’s” with friends!
What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!
What is in December that isn’t in any other month?
The letter “D”!
I know its the thought that counts, not the size of the pressie…
But couldn’t people think bigger?
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
What did one angel say to the other angel?
Halo there!
What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?
A “pointsetter”!
What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!
What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
Season’s Bleatings!
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad!
How do Chihuahuas say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!
What’s the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Your teeth!
Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness”!
A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.
What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
My POP is bigger than yours!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open ’til Christmas!
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”!
What do angry mice send to each other in December?
Cross-mouse cards!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
You get “Tinsel”-itis!
“Do you ever buy Christmas seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”
What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!
What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!
What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
“O Tanning Palms”!
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
What’s the favorite Christmas Carol of new parents?
Silent Night!
Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
“Holly” wood!
A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
Christmas Questions to Ponder
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A Sony sleigh station!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
“Horn”-aments!
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!
Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!
When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When it’s a baby reindeer!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
“Rude”-olph!
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!
Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
“Deery” Queen!
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
“Elk”-a-seltzer!
How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!
What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santa on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”
What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!
What do the elves call it when Santa claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!
What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-“toast”!
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!
How does Santa take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!
Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!
Where does Santa go to vote?
The North Poll!
What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!
Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?
Because he had low “elf” esteem!
How long should an elf’s legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
“First, YULE LOG on”!
Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!
What’s the first thing elves learn in school?
The “elf”-abet!
Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-“elf”-a!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly up already and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Yule.
Yule who?
Yule be sorry if you don’t Holly up and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to be playing games! Yule be sorry if you don’t Holly up and Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
One elf said to another elf, “We had Grandma for Christmas dinner”.
And the other elf said, “Really? We had turkey!”
Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they’re the only ones who know where its itchy!
How do elves greet each other?
“Small world, isn’t it?”
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, “No L!”
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the Christmas band?
Because he had the drum sticks!
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!
What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!
How does Frosty the Snowman get around?
On an “ice”-icle!
Funny April Fools Pranks
Here’s a collection of funny April Fools pranks you can play on your friends:
Soggy Socks
Carefully place small water balloons in the toe your victim’s shoes. When they slide their feet into the shoes they’ll get a squishy surprise.
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Beer
Tell a friend that you know a great trick. Put your hand palm-down on the table and balance a full glass of beer (or any liquid) on the back of your hand. Bet your friend that they can’t balance a glass on both hands at once (with your help to put them in place). As soon as you have the glasses balanced, stand up and walk out.
Sky Is Falling
Recruit a friend to help you with this prank. While the victim is sleeping, and it is still dark in the room, hold a white bed-sheet above them. Then suddenly awaken them, and release the sheet, or pull it down, so that it would seem as if the ceiling is falling!
The classic cling wrap door prank
Put cling film around the victim’s door frame of their room and turn all the lights out Then make a lot of noise in order to get them running out of the room and through the doorway.
Drink shower
Take a Styrofoam cup and put a small hole in the bottom. Stick a straw in the hole and then fill the cup with a beverage (the straw needs to fit the hole perfectly so the liquid won’t leak). When you hand your victim the drink they’ll pull on the straw and all the liquid will pour out through the hole in the cup.
Oooops. Sorry about that dent
Put a note on your victim’s car that says “Sorry about the damage to your car. Call me so we can swap insurance information.” Include a fake name and phone number and yuck it up while they search in vain for the damage to their car.
Has anyone seen my dog?
Attach an old leash to the back bumper of the victim’s car. Attach a collar to the leash so it drags on the ground. Chase them down and explain that you saw the neighbor briefly attach their dog to the bumper while they stopped to scoop up some pooh.
Toilet fun
Put a piece of bubblewrap under the toilet seat so when your victim sits, they are surprised by a loud pops.
You Spilled What
Unscrew the cap of a bottle of nail polish and set it sideways on a piece of waxed paper, letting the contents flow out into a puddle. When it dries completely, peel it off of the paper. Now you can put it anywhere and trick someone into thinking there is spilled nail polish.
Stop the Calls
If the victim has a phone with a hook that presses down when the handset is in the cradle, tape it down. When he or she answers a call it will keep ringing.
AutoCorrect funnies
If the victim uses Microsoft Word, go into the victim’s computer and change the auto-correct feature so it misspells common words. Just open Word, choose “AutoCorrect Options” from the Tools menu, and have it replace common words like “the” and “and” with wacky words like “doofus” or “poop.”
Holy Crap, it’s HIM!
When you’ve stopped at traffic lights, glance over at the driver next to you and do a double-take. Then, with a panicked expression on your face, lock all the doors.
Icy Keys
“Borrow” your victim’s keys the night before April 1st. Put them in a glass of water and put the glass in the freezer (make sure any electronics are detached unless of course, you are extremely cruel). You can use string and a paperclip “hook” to float the keys so they stay in the center of the ice. In the morning, leave the glass on the table for them.
Peee You – you stink
Scoop about an inch of deodorant from the top of the victim’s stick deodorant. Then take a slice of cream cheese and carefully insert it into the deodorant container, sculpting it so it looks like deodorant. Put the top back on.
Ouch – my eye!
Wet a tissue with milk and run around holding the tissue to your eye pretending you stuck your pen in your eye, when somebody comes close, squeeze the tissue to make the milk spurt out all over the place.
Funny photo switch
Find a small picture of a monkey (or anything else you think is funny) and use temporary glue (a glue stick works well) to place it over the photo on the victim’s driver’s license. Then send them out for beer, or find some other excuse to send them somewhere where they will need to show their ID.
No Control
Block the signal on the TV remote with a tiny piece of black paper, or use a small piece of black electrical tape.
Confetti Shower
If it’s raining on April’s Fools Day: put some confetti into their umbrella, close it and wait for the victim to open it.
That’s Gonna Leave a Mark
Take a quarter and use a pencil to trace around it–this will leave pencil dust all along the edge of the coin. Hide this coin in your hand for now. Go to your victim and tell him you want to show them a trick. Tell him you can do something that you bet he can’t. Take a quarter (a new quarter, not the “marked” quarter) and roll in down your face from the top of your forehead, over your nose, and down to your chin. Challenge your victim to do the same thing–handing them the “marked” quarter. When your victim finishes, congratulate them and walk away trying not to smile at the long black marks running down their face.
Coins on the sidewalk
Superglue some coins to the sidewalk or any spot that has a lot of people walking around. Make sure it’s an appropriate place, then watch people trying to get the coins.
Paperclip stuck in printer or copier
Make some copies of a paperclip. Then put them into the paper tray of the copier. People will go nuts trying to find the paperclip stuck in the printer.
Weakling
Steal all the victim’s pens and replace them with pens that have the caps glued on.
Help, I’ve been kidnapped!
Write “Help, I’m being held captive in a toilet paper factory,” on an inner sheet of toilet paper.
Do you have any messages for me?
Coordinate several people to help you play this prank. Have them take turns throughout the day calling the victim and asking for “Larry.” At the end of the day, have someone make the final call and say “This is Larry. Do you have any messages for me?”
Hello, Mr. Lyon?
Leave a phone message for the victim that says that a “Mr. Lyon” called (or Mr. Behr also works), and wants to be called back. Then list the phone number of the local zoo.
How I met your mother
Print flyers for your friend. “GWM living with mommy looking for daddy. Prefer big black men, long walks on the beach, and being spanked. Call me anytime (cell phone # of friend).” Leave one sitting on his desk and a stack sitting on your desk. Tell your friend you distributed them all over town. Then have someone call the friend in an hour or so claiming they found the flyer in the local market and would like to meet him.
Car whistle in my tailpipe
Take a long, narrow potato (one that will fit well into an exhaust pipe) and drill a hole in it long ways. Then rig a whistle in one end or find one of those long, thin whistles and stick it in the potato hole. Potato goes in the tailpipe. When the victim gets in the car and starts it up they’ll wonder where the hell that noise is coming from!
Ghost purse
Take an old purse and tie a long length of fishing line to the purse handle. Lay the purse in the middle of the road and run the fishing line to the ditch or curb nearby. Hold onto the line and hide. When a victim stops to retrieve the purse, yank the line hard pulling the purse out of the way.
All I want for Christmas is…
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’
‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied the girl sweetly.
‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’
Without turning a hair the girl answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’
Higher Level New Years Learning
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.
