The Know it all Barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.  He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.  You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply.  “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber.  “That’s a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump!  That’s the worst hotel in the city.  The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.  So, what are you going to do when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber.  “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.   You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.  The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel-it was great!  They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the ugly haircut?

It’s all Depends on your Point of View

One Ring German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper.  After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.  They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.  100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged.  They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing… They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Frankfurt Landing

The following is a real-life exchange between air traffic controllers and British Airways 747.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot.  They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them so it was with some amusement that pilots listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird) after landing.

Speedbird: ” Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.”

Ground: “Guten Morgen, taxi to your gate.”

The BA747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: “Speedbird do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird: “Standby Ground, I’m looking up the gate location now.”

Ground: (with typical German impatience) “Speedbird 206 have you never been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird: (coolly) “Yes in 1944 but I didn’t stop.”

The Irish vs. the French

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland.  I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news!  How big is your army?”

Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.  Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!  We have managed to get ourselves airborne!   We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.  My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.  “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy!   I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy.  “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no freakin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.”