Two men were driving to their first heist when the passenger admitted to the driver that he was probably too scared to pull off the job. The driver scolded him, “Don’t be such a baby. You’ll do just fine. Just give them our demands and they will cooperate. You can do this.”
The robbers pulled up to the bank and the passenger bravely exited the car, calmly walked into the bank, confidently approached the bank teller, boldly pulled out his gun, and said, “All right mother stickers, this is a screw up, put your brains in the bag, or I’ll blow the money all over the floor.”
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw “wanted” pictures, posted on the wall, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a criminal that was wanted by the law.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to find and capture him.”
With a puzzled look on his face, little Johnny asked, “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humouring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the butt on the back of the horse, instead of on top.”
A man and his wife were driving down the road when a cop turns on his lights and pulls them over. The cop leans into the window and says to the man, “Sir, did you know that you were speeding?”
The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.”
The man’s wife leans over and yells, “Yes you did. You knew you were speeding. I’ve been telling you to slow down for miles.”
“SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quiet.”
The cop says, “Well, since I’ve got you pulled over, did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?”
“No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that”
“WHATEVER!”, his wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go renew that tag for two whole months now!”
“Shut up” the man yells to his wife again! “Sit back and shut the hell up. Mind your own damn business!”
Curious, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car, leans in, and asks her, “Does your husband always talk to you this way?”
“No” she replies solemnly, ” Only when he’s been drinking!”