Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a home. He spots a stereo system that looks good so he grabs it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”.

He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What the hell was that?”. He spots some money lying on a table so he grabs it and stuffs it in his pocket.  Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”.

He ducks in a corner and looks around the room trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”.

The parrot says “YES”.

The burglar then asks, “What’s your name?”.

The parrot says “MOSES”.

The burglar laughs and says ” What kind of person names his bird moses??”

The parrot replies “The same kind of person that would name their Rotweiler Jesus”.

The Skull of Saint Patrick

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.  Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.

“I’ve got the very thing for you,” said the Irishman. “It’s the genuine skull of Saint Patrick”.

“You swindler,” said the American. “You sold me that ten years ago,” and, producing the skull, added, “Look, they’re not even the same size”.

“You have it all wrong,” said the Irishman. “This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad”.

The Red, Yellow and Blue Jerks of the Highway

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of the highway and gestures for him to stop. He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”

With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away.

Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.

In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop, no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

A Case for the FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”