A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the crowded movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed to occupy one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge an inch.
The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned which infuriated the usher who turned on his heels and stomped briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” asked the policeman.
With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
Tom had a recurring problem of oversleeping in the morning. He was always late for work. His boss became angry and threatened to fire him if he showed up late for work again. Tom explained that he had trouble sleeping and was always tired. The boss suggested he go see a doctor about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, woke up before his alarm clock even went off. He had a nice healthy breakfast and drove leisurely to the office.
Tom arrived at work early, stepped in the door, and announced proudly, “Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, “but where were you yesterday?”
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. “Doctor, doctor!” he started. I’ve got this problem,” the man continued. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Come over here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor. I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
A man walks past a mental hospital when he hears a voice moaning on the other side of the wall. “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen….”
The man looks towards the mental hospital and sees a hole in the wall. He walks over and peeps through the hole in the wall. Suddenly a finger shoots through the hole an pokes him in the eye.
The moaning voice continued, “Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen….”
Stand up Comedy Quotes
Dr. Kevorkian. We called him a ‘suicide doctor’? That’s like calling a fireman a ‘pyromaniac fireman.’
So what’s malpractice for Dr. Kevorkian? You live?
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)
Jack Kevorkian once said, “The pay is okay, but the work is murder…”
Kevorkian Pick-up Lines
Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Pick-up Lines
10. The papers call me ‘Dr. Death,’ but the ladies call me ‘Dr. Love’
9. Can I buy you a cyanide margarita?
8. You are drop-dead gorgeous!
7. I have needs that can’t be met by killing people in the back of my van
6. Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson
5. You’ll never go out with anyone else again
4. My friends say I look like Brad Pitt — but the probably just say that so I don’t kill them
3. If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates
2. In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot
1. How about a non-lethal injection?
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician!
Dr. Jack died doing what he loved the most- dying.
In the News
Jack Kevorkian has been released from prison eight years after a tape of him helping a terminally ill man commit suicide was broadcast on “60 Minutes”. Kevorkian has promised authorities he will not assist in any more suicide attempts for the terminally ill, though he did tell “60 Minutes” producers that if Andy Rooney catches a cold, they have his number.
I heard this on WBCN (Boston) radio last night: Jack Kevorkian now want’s a gun permit, do you know what this means? The drive-through is now open.
A elderly man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the doctor conducts the examine and reviews the results, the calls the patient into the room telling him that he had a couple of items of bad news to pass on.
The patient says, “Give me the worst of the bad news first!”
The doctor replies, “You’ve got AIDS.”
“Oh, no! What could be worse than that?” asks the patient.
“You’ve also got Alzheimer’s Disease.”
Looking relieved the patient says, “Oh…Well, that’s not so bad. At least I don’t have AIDS.”
Doctor Bob had gone out with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: “Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to go out with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go….”
But invariably the other inner voice would bring him back to reality: “Bob, you’re a vet.”