Because I am a Man

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it…though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…. like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Point Guide to the Make Women Happy Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.  You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here’s a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It’s her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)

And the pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Lotus (-10)

With a personalized license plate “GR8 N BED” (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called DeathCop3 (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say “I don’t give really care because you have one too” (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)

She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)

Diary of a stay at home Dad

This week I am at home and playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds……

What a waste of effort, we’re only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.

Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard…….

It snowed last night, I don’t see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?

Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners…….

Duhh I’m on vacation I don’t need them.

Scratch three.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet…….

Uhhhh that’s a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.

Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor…..

The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.

Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do…..

That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.

Scratch six.

7). Vacuum the carpets……

That’s a hard one…….

Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.

Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch…..

Hey kids, don’t you have a friends house to go too?

YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet……

Hmmmm another hard one. That’s it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.

Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry…..

no problem I can do that while I’m on the computer

Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry…..

Dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.

Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away….

Baskets in bedrooms work for me.

Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree…

Oop’s!… good thing the carpet is absorbent.

Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper…….

These old newspapers will do, besides, that’s recycling & that’s good for the earth….

Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ……

Yeah right; we’re talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.

They’ll be back. Scratch fifteen.

16). Make dinner…..

Easy, “Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow”.

Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house……

Duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.

Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for a nap….. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they’re working.  Wish I was a chick !

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men

Here are much more politically correct descriptions for men and their actions.

He does not have a BEER GUT.

He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.

He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.

He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.

He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.

He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.

He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.

He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.

He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.

He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.

He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

Guide to Understanding Man Talk

Guys can be hard to understand and often don’t mean what they say.  Here’s a guide to understanding man talk that should assist in interpreting those goofy remarks men make.

“IT’S A GUY THING”

Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”

Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”

Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”

Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”

Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”

Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”

Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”

Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”

Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”

Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”

Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”

Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”

Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”

Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”

Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Men are Like…

Common objects that are very similar to men.

… Blenders.

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.

You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.

They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.

They take way too long to mature.

… Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Parking Spots.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

… Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Snappy Answers to Men’s Stupid Questions

Women see the same stupid questions from men all the time.  Below are snappy answers to those stupid questions men all-so-often ask.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

 

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

 

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

 

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

 

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”

Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

 

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”

Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

 

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”

Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

 

Mr. Right Rejection Letter

Print, save, and reuse as needed.  The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter.

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.

Advice to Daughters Regarding Men

Here are 15 things regarding men you should make sure you warn your daughter about.

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal…

Man Q&A

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

 

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

 

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

 

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

 

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

 

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

 

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

 

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

 

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

 

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.

 

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

 

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

 

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

 

Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

 

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

 

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

 

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

 

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

 

What’s the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

 

What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.

 

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?

“My wife says…”

 

What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

 

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

Because they’re all pigs.

 

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn’t want any advice.

 

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

 

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

 

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

 

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

 

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

 

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.