Honey, what’s for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

“That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”  Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”  No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  “Honey, what’s for dinner?”  Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”

Computer in Spanish

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are not genderless but are designated as either masculine or feminine.  House for instance, is feminine: la casa and Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.

A student then asked, What gender would a computer be?  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into a male and female group, and asked each group to decide for themselves as to whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.   Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because: A. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;  B. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;  C. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and finally D. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should definitely be masculine, ‘el computador, because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;   3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card